I'm Such a Dork

I've been obsessing thinking about this hair thing all wrong. Throughout my journey I've prayed that God would be glorified, that He would use me, that I'd have opportunities to share with others. I proudly wear my lime green bracelets and my lime green Team Terri shirt. Well, DUH... why not think of my hair in the same way!

Soooo... I'm going to use my short, gray, messy curls as a testimony to what I've blogged about - being an overcomer, a survivor! A testimony to how God has been with me every step of the way. A testimony to how God loves me even when I'm such a dork.

Yes, it's taken me a long time to get to this point. And there will probably still be some tears. But I'm going to try to step out of my own way and let God work in spite of me!

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
~ Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Ya Big Cry Baby

That's what I've been like this week... a big cry baby. Goodness, it hasn't taken much for my eyes to fill with tears that sometimes run down my face. I cried through the songs we sang at church. I cried about a friend in the hospital not doing well. I cried talking to a friend about our cancer journeys. I cried watching commercials during the Olympics. I cried reading my Valentine cards. I cried watching "I Am Second" testimonies. And I've cried more than once about my hair. 

I know!!! Hair of all things... Why is it affecting me so much? I had less anxiety and NO TEARS when I completely shaved my head during chemo. What's the deal now? I guess when I shaved my head I knew I wouldn't be going around bald for the world to see (just my family). I was able to hide under a nice wig and lots of bandanas. But now... 

Now I have a head full of short, gray, messy curls. Did I say short? And gray? And messy? I've used mousse, gel, and other kinds of goop. Nothing seems to look quite right. So I end up wimping out on ditching the wig and headbands.

When I think about how silly I'm being - I get more upset and emotional. It's a crazy time in this on-going journey. You'd think I'd be thrilled that my hair is growing. I am! It's just such an awkward stage and evidence that I was sick. The wig let me cover up the biggest outward sign of my cancer (no hair). Now I'll have to explain why I'm not still a redhead. I mean, who goes from a pretty red to gray on purpose?!?!?!

After an attitude check and sweet encouragement from friends, my plan is to not even take my wig on our cruise. And when we get back, everyone will see the evidence that I am ALIVE, even if it's short, gray, and messy!

8 months post chemo

I pray that telling the world about my insecurities and vanity may help someone else in their own journey! I'm sure I'll still be a big cry baby over my hair and just about anything. Can I blame that on chemo, too???

And how fitting that Jarod (my son) and I read Psalm 45 tonight with this verse:

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
~ Psalm 45:11

Hair Evolution

Lately, the questions I'm most asked are about my hair. 

How long is it? About this long (using my thumb and finger to show a little over an inch).

What color is it? Mostly white.

Are you going to color it? I don't know. Part of me wants to leave it natural as a reminder of what I've been through and that I'm a survivor.

Is it straight or curly? Curly. Definitely curly.

Is it like it was before? Probably. I colored it before, but my roots were mostly white. It was curly before, but never this short.

When are you going without the wig? Not sure yet...

I'm experimenting with different headbands trying to find something that works with the awkward stage of my hair. I've ventured out with just a headband to a movie and to dinner at our friends' house. I show all the white curls around the house and around select people (like my friend who shaved my head). One of these days I'll ditch the wig and go back to messing with hair every day. Only this time, I think I'll find a way to mess with it less.

I've learned some lessons while dealing with not having hair. Vanity takes a hit when something so attached to appearance is gone! I'm not totally comfortable being so exposed, but it is what it is, and I'm okay with that. Life it too short to stress about hair, which is why I'm not in a hurry to color it or do anything besides goop it up and let it go. I'd be happy not messing with all the tools of blow dryers, curling irons, etc. I've actually found a new confidence through this experience. Who knew it would take cancer to give me some style - HA!

So, for all of you who are curious about what my hair is like after chemo - and also what I looked like bald - here's a scrapbook page I made...

Life After Chemo

It's been over two months since my last chemo treatment. I think the thing people ask about the most my hair! YES, it's growing!!! It's the same color as before - mostly white. Seriously, it's white! No one (besides my family) saw how white my hair was before except my friend Robin who shaved off all the color-treated hair. There's a tiny bit of pepper mixed in with the salt...but not much. So far it's very soft hair and flat to my head. You can really see all my cowlicks!

I told my husband the other day that I'm tempted to keep shaving my head because not having hair is soooooo easy. The wig literally takes seconds to put on, and it's permanently styled. At home a bandana is perfect. He didn't say "no" - but his look spoke volumes! I guess I'll keep growing out my hair. And if it doesn't make me look too old, I'll keep the white. It's the perfect time to stop coloring! That also got a look from my husband!!!

My eyebrows and eyelashes are getting thicker, but my poor eyelashes are going every which way. It's like they each have a mind of their own, but I like having enough lashes for mascara. And I'm back to shaving - ugh! I'm telling you...no hair was kind of nice! 

My kids have decided that chemo actually helped my brain. I can be forgetful, so we were worried that it would be awful during treatment. However, I think I was actually more organized while on chemo. Now I seem to be having more issues - like forgetting Jarod's dentist appointment or even what day of the week it is. Thankfully, Daryl is usually filling in the gaps for me!

Now that I have more energy and am doing more physically, my post-chemo muscles are letting me know they haven't been used much since January. Just scooping chicken feed has pulled something in my back. Daryl and I were walking when we could during chemo - when it wasn't too cold and I wasn't too tired. Now we're walking the dog daily and also doing the Couch to 5K program. Yes, we are jogging! Never say never, huh! We're on the last day of week 5 (a 20 minute run)! One of these days we'll run a cancer 5K! 

C25K - 20 minute run!

The worst part of my post chemo recovery is the chemo-induced hot flashes. Whoa! I've heard women talk about hot flashes, and they weren't kidding! They are not fun - especially during the summer! And really, 24/7 is a bit much! So if I spontaneously combust, you'll know why!!! My doctor said it's 50/50 whether or not this will be permanent menopause. Hopefully my age will work in my favor! 

Isn't it amazing how God has designed our bodies! And He has given people amazing abilities to find treatments for cancer. I'm so thankful for the advances in medicine and science that allow toxins to kill my cancer but not destroy my body. I am blessed!

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
~ Genesis 1:27

Celebrating the "Lasts"

Just six months ago we were nervous about all the "firsts" we were experiencing - diagnosis of lymphoma, appointments, scans, chemo, side-effects. This week I'm thinking about the "lasts" of some of those experiences.

The last R-CHOP chemo treatment - Aloxi, Decadron, Benadryl (knocks me out), Adriamycin (makes me pee red), Vincristine (neuralgia), Cytoxan, and Rituxan (made from mouse components).

The last time trying to maneuver the IV with me to the bathroom while being doped up on Benadryl. I saw a neat video of a chemo patient riding the IV across the room, but I would've ended up on the floor if I had tried that!

The last of tummy issues - tummy ache, bloating, gas, burping (like you wouldn't believe), constipation.

The last dose of Prednisone and the nasty, nasty taste it leaves in my mouth. Did I mention the nasty taste???

The last of feeling drained - looking forward to more energy and motivation.

The last of losing eyelashes - mascara only does so much.

The last of not shaving - oh wait, I don't want that to change!

The last of being bald. Even though I probably dreaded this the most, it has turned out to be kind of fun. I like my sassy wig that is soooo easy to maintain. I'm also a pro at tying a cute bandana on my head. And I can take a shower in 59 seconds! (Yes, the kids timed me one night.)

I don't think my hair would've completely fallen out since I always shaved some stubble, but it definitely showed signs of thinning. I'm glad we shaved it all off and had some fun. It cracks me up that my blog post about shaving my head is the most visited post (here)!

One side-effect I want to keep is the chemo-induced menopause I seem to be experiencing. I sure don't want to go through these hot flashes again down the road. Usually I look at my age as on the young side, but I hope I'm old enough that this will be permanent!

Although I won't miss these "lasts" - in all reality, they haven't been that bad. One of my constant phrases through all of this has been, it's all good because I'M NOT PUKING! I've been able to work every day that I haven't had appointments. I've been able to do the necessities for my family (thanks to Daryl being the chef). I've pretty much been able to live life as usual. I am the first to admit I am truly blessed - even if some the blessings have been in disguise!!!

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise 
 ~ Laura Story, "Blessings"

Chemo #2

Same song... second verse... It was more waiting - port accessed and blood drawn, back to waiting room, vitals with nurse and visit with NP, back to waiting room, and finally chemo. My meds were all the same except cutting back on the Vincristine. It's probably what caused my jaw pain (neuropathy), so hopefully I won't have that problem this time. It figures that the jaw pain affects only about 3%... Lucky me! This time the Rituxan could be pushed a little faster, and I didn't have a reaction. That meant no extra Benadryl or Solu-medrol. Yay! The total time in the chair was 4 1/2 hours, which was 2 1/2 hours LESS than the first time!!!

The #2 sign is for the second round of chemo and to match the peace sign bandana that my son gave me for my birthday. Yes, I'm wearing the same thing as for my first round - it's comfy with easy access my port. Plus, not everything matches lime green :)

The chemo room is a big rectangle with three semi-circles of nine recliners each (no privacy). Well, not all recliners are created equal (notice the tan chair behind the IV), and I had scoped out which one I wanted. I had it to begin with when they accessed my port and drew blood, but after seeing the NP and getting back to the chemo room, that chair was taken. It looked like the guy was there just to get blood drawn, which meant he'd be leaving. So I explained to the nurse how I really wanted that chair, and she unhooked the IV bags and helped me move! I figured if I'm there for a good part of the day, I want the good chair. I felt like we were scoping out a table at the food court and pouncing before the previous people finished standing up - HA!

My blood counts were good - hemoglobin and white blood count had dropped a little but were still within normal range to go ahead and have chemo. I actually gained three pounds, which is exciting since I had lost at least five pounds after surgery. I've added simethicone (Gas-X) to my arsenal that should help with the indigestion and abdominal pain I was having. Thankfully this past week was symptom free!!! It will be interesting to see how things go after this round. 

So... 2 down and 4 to go!!!

Hair update:

On Saturday my buzz cut was shedding quite a bit. I looked like an old balding man! I used the clippers without an attachment, but it just left rough stubble all over. Ewww. So Daryl helped me with what he uses to shave his head, and we got it fairly smooth. What a guy!!! 

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
~ Matthew 10:30

I'm thankful that God knows the number of hairs that will eventually grow back when this is all over!

Again, we are so thankful for those who are praying for us. Your prayers are definitely felt and are a huge blessing!!! Thank you for being on this journey with us!

So do not fear, for I am with you;  
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 
~ Isaiah 41:10

A Lime Green Birthday

I celebrated my 29th birthday (for the 17th time) this week! It was a fun day full of blessings. There were gifts on my desk at work - wrapped in lime green, cards in the mail, Facebook messages, e-mails, phone calls, a cake - with lime green frosting, key lime cupcakes - with lime green frosting, and more gifts - wrapped in lime green. I love how people are supporting me through lime green (NHL awareness color)! I felt great and enjoyed the day! 

Hair Update:

I noticed yesterday (day 15 after treatment) that the hair on my legs is NOT growing back after shaving. Happy Birthday to me! My buzz cut is just starting to shed a tiny bit today. I wonder how long it will take for it to all fall out??? I'll keep you posted!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
~ Psalm 189:14

It's Only Hair... So Let's Have Some Fun

I did it! I shaved my head... I wanted to have a little bit of control and shave BEFORE my hair started falling out. My oncologist assured me that my hair WILL fall out beginning around day 14 after the first treatment. I prefer to not have clumps of hair in my hands, so we shaved. We tried to have a little fun with it, too.

 

Who knew I could rock the 'hawk!!! After the photo op, we buzzed off the rest. 

Here I am with my 11 y/o who has the same buzz. Obviously, the red/brown in the mohawk picture is not my natural color! I'll admit that I was nervous before we started, but once my friend Robin made the first buzz, I was fine. And I was pleasantly surprised when I looked in the mirror - it wasn't as terrifying as I imagined. I had really thought I wouldn't show my naked head even around the house with just my family - that it would always be covered. Now that it's mostly naked, I don't mind being bald and beautiful.

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord."

~ Psalm 45:11

We went wig shopping the first available weekend we had after meeting with the oncologist. We live in a rural town, so it was a 70+ mile drive to Tulsa, OK to the wig shop (judiswigs.com). We had a wonderful lady helping us who was very encouraging. She gave me all kinds of information about the American Cancer Society and all the paperwork to turn in to insurance. Daryl and the girls talked me into a sassy new hair-do. We figured as long as everyone knows I'm wearing a wig, why not have fun with it! 

If someone had told me even a year ago that by my next birthday I'd be bald... well, I would've been devastated. But now, with so much support and encouragement from my family and friends, it seems like no big deal. Daryl is my biggest cheerleader! The change in my attitude can only be from God. He has given us just what we need for each step of this journey! What a blessing to have so many people praying for us!

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.

~ 2 Peter 1:12