Balance

Goodness... it's been four months since I updated my blog.

Today was a routine four month check up with labs, a port flush, AND finally meeting my new doctor. The verdict? We liked him!!! He had obviously studied my file and even sounded like he had been my doctor from the beginning. 

He changed the schedule of my port flushes to coincide better with my check ups, so now I'll go every two months for that and then every four months for labs and visits with him or the NP. And he said we'd wait until it's been a year to do another CT scan (which will be February)!

He also said if I'd only had the diffuse large B cell lymphoma (aggressive), I'd be good to go with no more scans. But... I don't... and the follicular lymphoma (indolent) is a bit trickier. Part of the trick is finding a balance between staying on top of a recurrence/relapse without exposing me to unnecessary radiation that could cause another kind of malignancy down the road. 

As we were walking to the car, Daryl laughed and said, "You just had to have the follicular, didn't you!" Thanks, Hon!

Besides cancer, there are a lot of aspects to life that require balance. I seem to have been off balance the last few months not only with my blogging, but with my exercising and even my quiet time (not to mention cleaning, organizing, appointments, budget, etc). It's all been a little random and hit-and-miss. 

After seeing some very frail patients at the clinic today, I decided I need to get serious about toning my body and building physical strength. And more importantly, I need to make my quiet time with God a priority and build my spiritual strength. It's time to find balance!

What's the Point in Running???

Really. Tell me. What's the point in running? Especially when I can't be running in the Caribbean!

I was mostly excited when Daryl and I started our Couch to 5K last year. Even though it was tough, we stuck it out and participated in two 5K runs. I even managed to run the 2nd race with no walking. Then we had to "fall back" for daylight savings (or whatever you call it in the fall) and it was too dark to run after work...and too cold... So, we pretty much quit training.

A few weeks ago we registered for the Amazing Grace Run in our home town (college/early marriage) of Joplin, MO. It's in TWO weeks! We started back to the middle of our C25K training and hope to make it through the race. Which brings me to my question... What's the point???

I keep asking that question while I'm running and not really enjoying it. It's a scary conversation going on in my head! I originally wanted to run in 5K races to help with fundraising for cancer research or other worthy causes. But... I can register for a race, get a t-shirt, and STILL be contributing to the cause without actually running! And don't think I haven't thought about this.

Then I think how maybe the challenge is a good thing. You know, facing the obstacle and overcoming it. But I stinkin' survived cancer and chemo, so who cares about running?

So for the last part of my run today, I had a hard time talking myself into anything good about it. I even chanted out loud, "I don't like this!" Finally, I set a goal to run to the end of the road and pressed on. While walking back to the house, I was still trying to think of what's good about running!

Listening to Building 429 is good during my run! And the song All the Glory had me wondering how my running can be glorifying to God. I've never been big on physical discipline, but part of I Timothy 4:7 came to mind - discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness. I realize this verse is about spiritual discipline, but I'll try to focus on how my physical discipline and running can be a way to glorify God!

It’s here I find you lift me up just to lift You high
It never was about me, You get all the glory
And if I stand it’s only that I am in Your hands
It never was about me, yea You get all the glory

~ All the Glory by Building 429

Endurance

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines endurance as:

• the ability to do something difficult for a long time
• the ability to deal with pain or suffering that continues for a long time
• the quality of continuing for a long time

Endurance is becoming a theme for me. The most obvious way this year is in dealing with cancer. I've endured biopsies, surgeries, scans, appointments, blood work, and chemo. And true to the definition, it's been difficult, sometimes painful, and continuing. Unfortunately, it will probably always be a part of my life.... almost like a chronic disease.

I had my three month check-up (which is really almost four months since my last chemo) this past week. My blood counts are about half-way back to normal! Everything looks good! I'll just be watched very closely with appointments every three months and scans twice a year for two years, then every four months, then every six months, etc. If I only had the aggressive lymphoma (diffuse large B cell), I might get an all clear after 5 years. However, the slow growing lymphoma (follicular) makes me "difficult." The follicular lymphoma isn't really curable - but it can be managed. So follow ups and scans will be a normal part of life now.

One of the symptoms I need to watch for is night sweats. I guess as long as I'm having hot flashes during the day, then that's all it is at night. When the NP asked about experiencing chemo-induced menopause, she was quick to remind me to still use birth control or I might end up angry :) We got a good laugh out of that!

I asked about how long I'd have my port. As long as I have it flushed at least every three months (at my follow ups with blood work), I can keep it for a looooong time. My kids are more than thrilled - HA! They think it is so gross!

The reward for enduring cancer and treatment is much more than physical healing. Some of my previous posts explain the blessings I've received through this journey.

Lately, endurance has taken on a new meaning while training to run in 5K races. My current Bible study (Walking by Faith - Jennifer Rothschild) focuses on the Biblical theme of training and running a race as a parallel to how we run our spiritual race. I've never related to those themes before as I wasn't a runner... and didn't even like much in the way of physical activity... but now I get it. Running takes training and lots of endurance! In fact, it's the word I wrote on my hand for motivation during the Tulsa Zoo Run 5K this past weekend!

...run with endurance...
Hebrews 12:1

I finished the race with NO WALKING! I was so excited! I had picked out a spot on the map as the point I wanted to make it to before walking. I got to that point and still felt good, so I kept on running. Then before too long I saw a sign that said 100 yards to go. Wow! Through the whole run, I kept thinking about the word on my hand and this verse:

...run with endurance the race that is set before you... 
- Hebrews 12:1b

So my reward for enduring training is finishing a 5K without walking! We look forward to participating in 5K runs that benefit cancer research!

My ultimate race is the one God has set before me, and heaven is the finish line! In this race I'm running for the prize - not just to finish without walking!

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 
- Philippians 3:14 (NIV)

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 
- Hebrews 12:1-3 (NAS)

Finish the Race

That's what I did this past weekend. I finished a race! Daryl and I ran in our first 5K - The Tulsa State Fair Corndog Classic. We started training with Couch to 5K on August 1st and had just started our final week with a 30 minute run two days before the race. We probably weren't quite ready for a 5K, but proceeds from the Corndog Classic benefit The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, so how could we not! Well, our 30 minutes of running/jogging evidently did not equal the distance of 3.1 miles, because it took more than 30 minutes to finish the race. And I'll admit to a little bit of walking, but I finished with a time of 37:54. Daryl did great and finished with no walking and a time of 34:54. 

After completing chemo and getting my energy back, I told Daryl we should do Couch to 5K so we could participate in some cancer runs. He put me off for awhile and then became the best coach and cheerleader ever! I sometimes... a lot of times... have big ideas but not the discipline to see them through to the end. This would have been no different if Daryl wasn't such a concrete-sequential person! 

My Race Encouragement

About 2/3 through the run, I was ready to quit. I started walking and didn't care if I started running again, finished the race, or even participated in another race. But not too long after crossing the finish line - yes, I gave it my all running across the finish line - I was thinking about what training we still need to do so I can eventually run the whole 5K!

I have to admit, this is the hardest I have ever pushed my body - well, besides the cancer and chemo thing - HA! I've never done anything that was very hard physically (having babies doesn't count). I was always the band/choir geek but didn't even push myself as hard as I could with music. Honestly, I'm kind of lazy. And if I don't have time to complete a project from start to finish, I may never start it.

Training for a race has been a great experience even though there have been times I thought I wasn't going to make it! It's been fun to have a goal and watch the progress of our training. Now we're looking for the next race to enter that will benefit cancer organizations. It's been fun training with Daryl, otherwise I'd be sitting back on the couch after the first week!

I'm sure without going through cancer and chemo I'd never even consider running a 5K. Now I realize I'm stronger than I thought, and I have a drive I didn't have before. Whether I ever completely run a 5K or even improve my time, in so many ways, I know through God's amazing grace, I'm an OVERCOMER!

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

Life After Chemo

It's been over two months since my last chemo treatment. I think the thing people ask about the most my hair! YES, it's growing!!! It's the same color as before - mostly white. Seriously, it's white! No one (besides my family) saw how white my hair was before except my friend Robin who shaved off all the color-treated hair. There's a tiny bit of pepper mixed in with the salt...but not much. So far it's very soft hair and flat to my head. You can really see all my cowlicks!

I told my husband the other day that I'm tempted to keep shaving my head because not having hair is soooooo easy. The wig literally takes seconds to put on, and it's permanently styled. At home a bandana is perfect. He didn't say "no" - but his look spoke volumes! I guess I'll keep growing out my hair. And if it doesn't make me look too old, I'll keep the white. It's the perfect time to stop coloring! That also got a look from my husband!!!

My eyebrows and eyelashes are getting thicker, but my poor eyelashes are going every which way. It's like they each have a mind of their own, but I like having enough lashes for mascara. And I'm back to shaving - ugh! I'm telling you...no hair was kind of nice! 

My kids have decided that chemo actually helped my brain. I can be forgetful, so we were worried that it would be awful during treatment. However, I think I was actually more organized while on chemo. Now I seem to be having more issues - like forgetting Jarod's dentist appointment or even what day of the week it is. Thankfully, Daryl is usually filling in the gaps for me!

Now that I have more energy and am doing more physically, my post-chemo muscles are letting me know they haven't been used much since January. Just scooping chicken feed has pulled something in my back. Daryl and I were walking when we could during chemo - when it wasn't too cold and I wasn't too tired. Now we're walking the dog daily and also doing the Couch to 5K program. Yes, we are jogging! Never say never, huh! We're on the last day of week 5 (a 20 minute run)! One of these days we'll run a cancer 5K! 

C25K - 20 minute run!

The worst part of my post chemo recovery is the chemo-induced hot flashes. Whoa! I've heard women talk about hot flashes, and they weren't kidding! They are not fun - especially during the summer! And really, 24/7 is a bit much! So if I spontaneously combust, you'll know why!!! My doctor said it's 50/50 whether or not this will be permanent menopause. Hopefully my age will work in my favor! 

Isn't it amazing how God has designed our bodies! And He has given people amazing abilities to find treatments for cancer. I'm so thankful for the advances in medicine and science that allow toxins to kill my cancer but not destroy my body. I am blessed!

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
~ Genesis 1:27