Sunday, February 16, 2014

Ya Big Cry Baby

That's what I've been like this week... a big cry baby. Goodness, it hasn't taken much for my eyes to fill with tears that sometimes run down my face. I cried through the songs we sang at church. I cried about a friend in the hospital not doing well. I cried talking to a friend about our cancer journeys. I cried watching commercials during the Olympics. I cried reading my Valentine cards. I cried watching "I Am Second" testimonies. And I've cried more than once about my hair. 

I know!!! Hair of all things... Why is it affecting me so much? I had less anxiety and NO TEARS when I completely shaved my head during chemo. What's the deal now? I guess when I shaved my head I knew I wouldn't be going around bald for the world to see (just my family). I was able to hide under a nice wig and lots of bandanas. But now... 

Now I have a head full of short, gray, messy curls. Did I say short? And gray? And messy? I've used mousse, gel, and other kinds of goop. Nothing seems to look quite right. So I end up wimping out on ditching the wig and headbands.

When I think about how silly I'm being - I get more upset and emotional. It's a crazy time in this on-going journey. You'd think I'd be thrilled that my hair is growing. I am! It's just such an awkward stage and evidence that I was sick. The wig let me cover up the biggest outward sign of my cancer (no hair). Now I'll have to explain why I'm not still a redhead. I mean, who goes from a pretty red to gray on purpose?!?!?!

After an attitude check and sweet encouragement from friends, my plan is to not even take my wig on our cruise. And when we get back, everyone will see the evidence that I am ALIVE, even if it's short, gray, and messy!

8 months post chemo

I pray that telling the world about my insecurities and vanity may help someone else in their own journey! I'm sure I'll still be a big cry baby over my hair and just about anything. Can I blame that on chemo, too???

And how fitting that Jarod (my son) and I read Psalm 45 tonight with this verse:

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
~ Psalm 45:11

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