Monday, February 17, 2014

I'm Such a Dork

I've been obsessing thinking about this hair thing all wrong. Throughout my journey I've prayed that God would be glorified, that He would use me, that I'd have opportunities to share with others. I proudly wear my lime green bracelets and my lime green Team Terri shirt. Well, DUH... why not think of my hair in the same way!

Soooo... I'm going to use my short, gray, messy curls as a testimony to what I've blogged about - being an overcomer, a survivor! A testimony to how God has been with me every step of the way. A testimony to how God loves me even when I'm such a dork.

Yes, it's taken me a long time to get to this point. And there will probably still be some tears. But I'm going to try to step out of my own way and let God work in spite of me!

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
~ Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Ya Big Cry Baby

That's what I've been like this week... a big cry baby. Goodness, it hasn't taken much for my eyes to fill with tears that sometimes run down my face. I cried through the songs we sang at church. I cried about a friend in the hospital not doing well. I cried talking to a friend about our cancer journeys. I cried watching commercials during the Olympics. I cried reading my Valentine cards. I cried watching "I Am Second" testimonies. And I've cried more than once about my hair. 

I know!!! Hair of all things... Why is it affecting me so much? I had less anxiety and NO TEARS when I completely shaved my head during chemo. What's the deal now? I guess when I shaved my head I knew I wouldn't be going around bald for the world to see (just my family). I was able to hide under a nice wig and lots of bandanas. But now... 

Now I have a head full of short, gray, messy curls. Did I say short? And gray? And messy? I've used mousse, gel, and other kinds of goop. Nothing seems to look quite right. So I end up wimping out on ditching the wig and headbands.

When I think about how silly I'm being - I get more upset and emotional. It's a crazy time in this on-going journey. You'd think I'd be thrilled that my hair is growing. I am! It's just such an awkward stage and evidence that I was sick. The wig let me cover up the biggest outward sign of my cancer (no hair). Now I'll have to explain why I'm not still a redhead. I mean, who goes from a pretty red to gray on purpose?!?!?!

After an attitude check and sweet encouragement from friends, my plan is to not even take my wig on our cruise. And when we get back, everyone will see the evidence that I am ALIVE, even if it's short, gray, and messy!

8 months post chemo

I pray that telling the world about my insecurities and vanity may help someone else in their own journey! I'm sure I'll still be a big cry baby over my hair and just about anything. Can I blame that on chemo, too???

And how fitting that Jarod (my son) and I read Psalm 45 tonight with this verse:

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
~ Psalm 45:11

Sunday, February 9, 2014

So Now What???

In a way, I feel like my cancer journey is least for now...with the exception of follow up appointments, port flushes, blood work, and scans. Well, okay, not completely over! So now what? What do I blog about? What do I think about? What comes next?

Our daily life is pretty much back to "normal" - but I don't want our new normal to be the same as before cancer. I don't want to lose my dependence on God to make it through each day focused on Him. I don't want to lose my new awareness of the importance of spiritual healing over physical healing. I don't want to lose the voice or platform I feel I've been given to be an advocate, especially relating to blood cancer. I don't want to lose the drive I have to be an overcomer and survivor. 

I feel like I'm on hold waiting for the next way in which God will use me. I have ideas, but I don't know if they are the same as His ideas. Mostly, I want to glorify Him in our journey - our journey this past year and our journey going forward. I'm just not sure what that looks like. 

I want to continue my blog (mostly for my own benefit), but I want it to have a purpose. If I'm not writing about chemo and hot flashes, what do I write about???

I want to minister to others going through cancer or hard times. I've already had several friends dealing with the nasty "C" - so I'm not lacking in opportunities. I want to do more, but what???

I want to stand in the gap for those needing prayer. Knowing so many people have been praying for us is overwhelming. It has shown me the importance of not just saying I'll pray for someone... but actually PRAYING! I no longer say, "I'm praying for you," if I haven't already prayed. 

I've recently reconnected with a friend I met when my oldest was in 1st grade. Our daughters were best friends, and we had lots of play days together. My friend is starting a Christian radio program for women in Costa Rica, and we're looking at ways that I can be involved. The language barrier is a big obstacle, but God is bigger! 

I'm excited to see how God might use me to write HIS story!

My favorite lyrics...

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You've done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write your story...

Write Your Story - Francesca Battistelli