Keeping it Real

Warning: This blog post is acting as my therapy session, so read at your own risk... I just want to "keep it real" in my journey. I'm learning that even though treatment may be finished, the journey is far from over.

I'm kind of an emotional mess right now. The physical part of my cancer was relatively short and painless; however, the emotional part is hard and long-lasting. I've never thought I needed counseling before, but being able to talk with others who have experienced cancer is so helpful. I guess like anything, until you've lived it...

I'm thrilled that my one-year follow up was good news. Yet in the back of my mind I worry a little about if/when it won't be good news. My doctor said the cancer could come back anywhere - so it may not be a noticeable (at least to my mom) swollen lymph node. Every ache and pain puts me on edge. I've been known to ignore things hoping they'd go away, but now I need to find a balance between panic over every little thing and ignoring every little thing.

I think I'm also dealing with survivor's guilt. That's such a weird concept. Why would I feel guilty for surviving? Do I wish I was dealing with the bad? I don't think that's it exactly, I think it's just a deeper feeling of empathy having a first-hand idea of what someone else is going through. And it hurts.

It hurts watching my friends go through the pain and sadness on the one year anniversary of their son's short and awful battle with liver cancer...and his funeral...

It hurts knowing my friend who finished treatment for breast cancer last year is now dealing with Stage 4 metastatic bone cancer...

It hurts knowing my 17 y/o friend is fighting against a growing tumor on her spine with little to no treatment options...

It hurts knowing a 1 y/o baby at church was just diagnosed with cancer...

It hurts knowing my friend is dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and survivor's guilt from her own cancer experience...

It hurts...

It hurts in a way I've never experienced before. I can't even really sort out the emotions. So if you see me with tears, you'll know why.

I'm so thankful for my friends and family who are supporting me and letting me be a blubbering idiot at times. And I'm extremely thankful I serve a God who has overcome the world and gives us peace!