Help! I Have Chemo Brain!

Yes, "chemo brain" is a very real condition. The technical name is cognitive dysfunction - and I have it!!! I was so proud of myself during chemo for NOT having issues...at least not more significant than I already had. My family will testify that I can be a little scatter-brained and forgetful, and we even joked that we might not be able to tell if I develop chemo brain. However, since finishing chemo, we all agree that I seem to have several of the symptoms (more so than before chemo) found on the Mayo Clinic's website:

• Being unusually disorganized - yes, yes, yes!
• Confusion - sometimes
• Difficulty concentrating - probably
• Difficulty finding the right word - maybe 
• Difficulty learning new skills - no motivation
• Difficulty multitasking - definitely
• Fatigue - not as much as during chemo but I still like naps
• Feeling of mental fogginess - yes
• Short attention span - yes
• Short-term memory problems - Why did I come into this room?
• Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks - Can you say ADD?!?!
• Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation - yes
• Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words - yes, but not as bad as with verbal 

Chemo Brain

Then throw in the hormonal changes of chemo-induced menopause and you have a mess!!! I find myself feeling like I'm losing my mind one minute and then wanting to cry the next minute. The worst part is feeling so unorganized - even just around the house. I can't seem to find anything I need when I need it!!! And when people start a conversation with, "Terri, do you remember..." Uh, NO! I usually can't tell you what I wore yesterday, so chances of remembering much else are pretty slim.

I've read that this can last from a few weeks (I'm a few months past that...) to 5-10 years or more (oh my...)! So, I guess I better get a good planner/notebook and write things down in ONE location. It's time to clean the house, clean out my purse, and organize my planner!

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace...
~ I Corinthians 14:33

My Husband's Perspective

I'm so thankful for my husband's insight and perspective throughout our journey. This is what he posted on Facebook marking the anniversary of the beginning...


It's been a year. One year ago today in fact. Christmas Eve 2012. It started out as just another Christmas Eve, but ended with a sense of worry and confusion.

One year ago today is when Terri's mom noticed the strange bump on Terri's neck.

The next couple of months were filled with what seemed like unending trips to Tulsa for doctor's visits, scans, biopsies, and surgeries. Days of waiting for results, and then finding out the news we were hoping not to hear…Terri has cancer...non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

We've learned a lot this past year. We've truly learned to cherish each moment we have with each other, our kids, our family and friends. Things like that happen when you're faced with your own mortality.

We've learned we don't know what the future holds…none of us do.

A verse I posted a few weeks ago has never been more "real"... more "alive" to us.

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
—2 Corinthians 12:9,10 (NASB)

We've also learned from friends who modeled how to handle a battle lost to cancer with faith, dignity, strength, and grace. It seems strange dealing with what we were dealing with and still feel like you don't know the words to say to others. Thank God we have His Spirit to confide in when the the words fail us.

We've grown closer as a family. Our trust in God has been stretched like never before, but never broken. We have been blessed like never before.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed with us and for us. Thanks to friends for providing meals and for shuttling our kids to and fro when we couldn't be there. Thanks for the hugs!

In a week (Monday Dec. 30) Terri goes back for another CT scan. A week after that (Tuesday Jan 7) we go back to Terri's oncologist for the results. Would you shower us with your prayers once more?

May God bless you all. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
—Galatians 2:20 (NASB)

Happy Anniversary???

A year ago today, Christmas Eve morning, I was sitting at my mom's table checking Facebook and eating lots of goodies when my mom noticed a lump near my collarbone. It was the dreaded "C" word - non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The beginning of a new journey...

I have a lot of mixed emotions when thinking about how it all began. On one hand it seems like forever ago, and on the other hand it seems like I'm going through it all again right now. It's been a wild year where we've experienced everything from fear, doubt, and worry to joy, contentment, and unexplainable peace that can only come from God. (You can start reading about our journey here.)

We opened our family gifts last night before going to my mom's house. Daryl and I decided our gift to each other is our cruise in February, so we weren't going to exchange gifts. As usual, He didn't follow the rules... He gave me this new coffee mug that is a perfect reminder of who God is and how His names have played out in our journey this year.

Jehovah

Jehovah-Nissi

Battle Fighter

Jehovah-Jireth

Provider

Jehovah-Shalom

Giver of Peace

Jehovah-Shammah

Ever Present One

Jehovah-Tsidkenu

Our Righteousness

Jehovah-Rophe

Healer

Jehova-Rohi

Good Shepherd

It's like the mug was made just for us! Now each day as I enjoy my morning cup of coffee or my evening cup of tea, I will thank God for how He has demonstrated His names in our lives. And I will smile thinking about how Daryl picked out the perfect gift!

We're looking forward to how God will work in our lives in the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

Thankful November - Days 12 - 30

I forgot to post days 12-30...

Day #12 - I'm thankful for my port. I had no idea what one was before February and hated it at first. However, after reading about how ironically toxic (as well as life saving) chemo can be if it touches skin or leaks from an IV or vein, I'm glad to have it...even if I keep it indefinitely for now...and even when the kids call it special names!  

Day #13 - I'm thankful for those who support Cookson Hills Christian Ministries (where I work). We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner at First Christian Church in Grove, OK. Truly great partners in ministry!

Day #14 - I'm thankful for my doctors and their staff!

I want to give a shout out to:

Carleen Huffman, NP at Kansas Medical Clinical who takes care of me, prays for me, and referred me to my surgeon...

Dr. Stephen Bruns at Surgery Inc in Tulsa who has cut me open several times (hernia x 2, gall bladder, needle biopsy, lymph node removal, port placement, and someday port removal). He gave me the initial diagnosis of lymphoma with sincere concern and referred me to my oncologist.

Dr. Scott McHam and Julie Spears, NP at Tulsa Cancer Institute who gave me my official diagnosis and treatment plan with just the right amount of information along the way. They take the time to answer all of my questions and said my treatment showed "excellent" results.

And all of my nurses ROCK!

Day #15 - I'm thankful for weekends! After working all week, it's nice to have a couple of days at home.

Day #16 - I'm thankful for CT and PET scans that can see what's going on inside my body when there may not be outward symptoms!!!

Day #17 - I'm thankful for my Facebook friends who are a HUGE encouragement!

Day #18 - I'm thankful for easy access to the gym and weight room here on campus so we can still work out when it gets dark way too early!

Day #19 - I'm thankful for friends who let me vent and know that it's nothing more than venting.

Day #20 - Deep down I'm thankful for our crazy dog. Tonight I thought he was trying to give me kisses, but it turned out he just wanted the bandana on my head.

Day #21 - I'm thankful that in a world of inconsistencies, God is always faithful!

Day #22 - I'm thankful for a night at home on a cold evening with hot coffee, warm banana chocolate chip muffins, and checking in with my friends on Facebook. 

Day #23 - I'm thankful for the book of Psalms and a new perspective on God as my refuge!

Day #24 - I'm thankful for Sunday afternoon naps!!!

Day #25 - I'm thankful that my chicken partnership doesn't require me to dispose of the dead chicken I found this morning (and one found earlier this month)!

Day #26 - I'm thankful for my friend Marsha who is always there when I need her even when we live many miles apart and don't talk often enough.

Day #27 - I'm thankful for movie night with my girls - even if it was Catching Fire...when I haven't seen Hunger Games...or read the books...and it left me hanging for Mocking Jay.

Day #28 - I'm thankful for Thanksgiving at my mom's with my sister and her kids and being able to spend some time at my grandma's!

Day #29 - I'm thankful my daughter has a job this semester...even though it meant working horrible hours Thanksgiving weekend. Proud of her! 

Day #30 - "Thankfulness is a conscious response that comes from looking beyond our blessings to their source. As Christians, we have been forgiven, saved from death, and adopted as God’s children. There could be no better reason for a grateful heart!" - Henry T Blackaby & Richard Blackaby

Sing a Psalm of Praise

After posting my Thankful Day #23 on Facebook about being thankful for the book of Psalms and my new perspective of God as my refuge, I've been thinking about how the Psalms have just as much relevance in my life today as when I was first diagnosed with cancer.

Shortly after being diagnosed, I began reading a Psalm a day and posting at least one verse from each Psalm as my Facebook status. It was so therapeutic for me to read the parallels of David's battle (against enemies) and my battle (against cancer) and to be reminded of God's love and care for David...and me! 

Today I realize that God uses His Word to comfort us in our struggles everyday no matter the situation - watching the discouraging news from around the world... conflict with people around us... or any doubt and fear.

I didn't pay too much attention to the book of Psalms before January 2013 except for the familiar passages: 

Psalm 23 - The Lord is my shepherd... I memorized this in Whirlybirds as a kid.

Psalm 100 - Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth... Can you believe I memorized this in public school???

Psalm 119 - Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet... Remember the Amy Grant song?

Psalm 139 - I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

When I began reading through the Psalms daily, I was amazed at how it seemed to be so applicable to ME! I didn't have people trying to kill me like David, but cancer is still a very real enemy. God's promises brought me so much comfort during a scary time. I love all the reminders of God as my:

Shield

Protection

Strength

Rock

Salvation

Stronghold

Shepherd

Light

Help

Refuge

Fortress

Portion

Wow! What do I have to fear when God is with me??? 

And there are so many verses that lead us to give thanks to the Lord, praise His name, tell of His wonders, be glad and rejoice in Him, and taste and see that He is good. How can we read this wonderful book and not have a great appreciation for who God is and what He does for us!!!

The Lord is my light and my salvation -
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -
of whom shall I be afraid?
~ Psalm 27:1

Thankful November: Days 1-11

Okay, this year I've decided to do the Facebook Thankful November thing and post something I'm thankful for each day. Let me just say, 30 days is not enough! I have sooooo much to be thankful for, it's almost ridiculous!!! Some are serious and some are light-hearted... just depends what was happening on any given day.

I was going to save all 30 things for one post at the end of the month, but when I add song lyrics, it gets a little long!

Day #1 - I'm thankful to be alive!!! I know that sounds cliche, but after this year, it's where I'm at!

Day #2 - I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who has been the glue this year and my biggest cheerleader!  

Day #3 - I'm thankful for my four kiddos! They have handled this past year amazingly well. They encourage me and take great care of me...and only laugh at me a little! 

Jenifer and Jordyn

Jessika and Jenifer (again)

And they love taking goofy pictures for me to find on my camera...which I'll post for the world to see!

Day #4 - I'm thankful for my parents who raised me to know and love God and for my sister who has been a faithful friend!

Day #5 - I'm thankful for my in-laws who love me like their own!

Day #6 - I'm thankful for those seemingly small blessings that are really HUGE! Like my fan at work, because dressing for the temperature outdoors does not make it comfy during my hot flashes while indoors! Thank you, chemo...

Day #7 - I'm thankful to only work until 3:00 on Thursdays!!!

Day #8 - I'm thankful we finally finished Jarod's 1,993 piece puzzle! Yes, we're missing seven pieces of our thrift store puzzle. Now, to glue...or not to glue...

Day #9 - I'm thankful for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and its research efforts to find cures for blood cancer (like the Rituxan that was part of my treatment). - You can still donate to LLS through my Light the Night Walk link in the sidebar!   

Day #10 - I'm thankful for my wig and make up! I didn't want to look like I was sick and an obvious cancer patient - although I have one picture of myself with no wig, no make up, and no glasses on a day I was running a fever and felt awful... and I looked awful... No, you will not see that picture! Yes, I'm thankful for my wig and make up!!!

Day #11 - I'm thankful for Christian music! November 11th was a bit emotional remembering my dad who passed away four years ago, thinking about our freedom on Veterans Day, and reflecting on our journey this past year. Never Once came on K-LOVE and sums it all up perfectly.

Standing on this mountain top
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
It's true, You are faithful, God You are faithful

Never Once
performed by One Sonic Society
written by Jason Ingram, Matt Redman, Tim Wanstall  

Amazing Night

We want to thank everyone who donated to TEAM TERRI for the Light the Night Walk and helped us walk to the end of blood cancer! You can read more about the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Walks in my previous post here. We've been raising money, Daryl designed t-shirts for us, and my mother-in-law and her sister joined us from Illinois! It was a special night! 

As usual for our outings, we got lost on the way to the Walk. I just tell my family we're making memories! We eventually made it - on time - and began by checking in, getting our Light the Night t-shirts and lanterns (for those raising $100), and taking a team photo.

Team Terri

I was so excited that my Light the Night t-shirt says SURVIVOR on the back! Woo Hoo!!! I carried a white lantern as a survivor, Daryl carried a red lantern for the family as a supporter, and my mother-in-law carried a gold lantern in memory of her mother who passed away from lymphoma. It was so pretty seeing all the illuminated lanterns as we walked.

Before the walk started, those with each color of lanterns were recognized (survivors, supporters, and in memory). I'll admit, it was a bit emotional to reflect on this journey and celebrate where we are now!

Recognizing survivors

The walk started at the Jenks Aquarium, went across the Arkansas River bridge, and back through the Aquarium parking lot. The weather was perfect, and it was a fun family walk. We can't wait to participate again next year and are already thinking of ways to recruit more people for our team and raise more money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and research!

Purple in memory of my friend's daughter

On the bridge

On our way home we stopped at Braum's for a treat. The kids wanted food, so we ordered theirs, and as they were getting situated, Daryl and I got in line for ice cream. While we were waiting, a lady went up to the cashier and whispered something, but I didn't think much about it. Then when we tried to pay, the cashier said our order had been taken care of already. WHAT! After getting over the initial confusion, I thought of the lady I saw whispering earlier. As we walked to our table, I mouthed "thank you" to her and tried to hold back the tears. That was just icing on the cake of our amazing night!

We are so grateful for those who have blessed us on this journey and supported us on our Light the Night Walk! We couldn't do it without you!

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.
~ Matthew 18:20