Faithful... Loyal... Steadfast...

Two years ago we left a vocational ministry and re-entered the "real" world. It's been a strange but good adjustment. Hubby is working full-time, and I'm blessed to be back at home after nine years of being a working mom while the kids were still in school - whew! Now we have an empty nest (which is kind of a neat thing), but I'm trying to figure out what exactly I should be doing with my time. 

Hubby jokes that I'm retired and loves me being home, and I love taking care of things around the house. My grown daughter is glad I'm home so she can come over during her lunch hour, for supper and movie nights, or to do laundry. The college kids appreciate that I'm available when they need something... like money... It's nice to be able to go visit our married daughter's sweet little family (yay for grandkids). And I'm sure the dog is thrilled to have me let him out and back in all day long.

I enjoy working in the yard and trying to grow food, creating things for my Etsy shop, and having time for the endless list of projects. But since the stupid virus, I feel a little bit like a hermit. I miss my friends at Bible study, miss meeting someone for coffee, and even miss smiling at people so they can actually see it. I'm home almost all the time now... and may or may not talk to myself more than I should - HA!

So with all this time, I can do a lot of thinking and asking myself questions. Should I be doing more of something? How do I make an impact on people when I'm not around people? Will God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" if I'm not out serving? Is the guilt I'm feeling really from Satan to make me doubt this season of quiet? 

When I was going through cancer, I had such clarity on how God was working. I felt like I had relevant things to share with people. I felt like I had a purpose... a responsibility to show my family and friends and others going through cancer that God is still good even in the bad. That spiritual and eternal healing is so much more important than physical healing. As weird as it sounds, I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. 

But what about during this season of quiet? 

In a Bible study video by proverbs31.org, I heard the following: "Our identity is not in what we do but in what God has already done!" I needed that today! Especially in a season when a "job" isn't defining me. I'm not working at a Christian college, a student ministry, or a children's home anymore. I'm not a stay-at-home mom raising and homeschooling my kids. 

Christine Caine says that if God has assigned you, He will find you. So be faithful... be loyal... be steadfast... WHERE YOU ARE!  

How does that look for me right now? I'm trying to be faithful in praying for others - which is definitely a work in progress. I'm trying to be loyal in studying God's word - which takes some discipline without face-to-face accountability. I'm trying to be steadfast in loving and encouraging my family - which is hard to know how to do when the kids are away from the nest. 

So while I'm waiting on a specific assignment, I will "be still and know" in this season of quiet. I will recognize that my identity is not because of anything I do or a job that I have. I will be faithful... I will be loyal... and I will be steadfast right where I am!

There's No Place Like Home

If you know me at all, you know I'm a homebody. So a Stay at Home order and Social Distancing are actually comforting during this crazy Coronavirus pandemic. However, it's weird knowing we can't just go and do whatever we want whenever we want. I just want to go shop for pansies and gardening supplies!

Although it's a super crazy time, I've been mostly worry free. Maybe I'm in denial... or maybe it's because I've seen God bring us through so many other tough situations - raising kids (am I right!), homeschooling, lay-offs, job changes, moves, floods, health issues (um, cancer), etc. You know, LIFE! Here is one of my LIFE verses:

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. - Jeremiah 17:7

While I'm not worried, I am concerned. Concerned for my girls - two with a history of pneumonia and one with a history of asthma... for my grandkids who are only 2 months old and 2 years old... for my father-in-law who has health issues... for friends who have lost their jobs. I'm sad for my high school senior son who got laid off from his good part-time job (thankfully his school was already on-line)... for my college girl who is now home to finish the semester on-line and missing her friends and all her belongings. I'm a little anxious for my husband - who hates change - and is now working from home and is a little anxious about the future of his job. I'm wondering about my mom and sister who are in other cities hunkered down alone... and wondering what's going to happen to my neighbors, country, and world.

I'm counting my blessings that I'm not in the middle of chemo during this pandemic. I just had lab work done and a visit with my new oncologist a month ago, and everything looks good. I'm probably just as healthy as anyone, but my family isn't letting me take any chances. Except for gas station stops on our trip to see our adorable new grandson before quarantine and a drive-thru run to Chick-fil-A, I haven't been out for almost four weeks! Hubby and Jarod are doing all the grocery shopping and TP scrounging!

So what am I doing during our sudden family togetherness? Pretty much the same as always only trying to make sure everyone else is doing okay! I'm taking advantage of free on-line lectures and Bible studies, enjoying all the music that artists are posting, working on some crochet, doing yoga, and trying to strategically run the vacuum so I don't interrupt anyone's school or work - ha! I'm taking my Vitamin D and getting natural Vitamin D when the weather cooperates. The yard and garden are calling me, but so are my coffee and puzzles!

With all of us home all day every day, I'm intentionally focusing on my attitude:

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. - Psalm 19:14

I'm also trying to stay informed about the virus and sift through everyone's "expert" opinion and advice. I'm trying to understand the power of the government - federal and state - to basically shut down our country and then watch them fight as they all claim to have the best way to help we-the-people. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think. I want everyone to be safe and healthy, but it's a bit scary at how fast and how limiting the government can act. My next free lecture might need to be on the Constitution...

I don't have any answers... so I'm praying.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O LORD; you surround them with your shield of love. - Psalm 5:11-12

May He be glorified! I'm glad we're all in this together. And when we get through this, we'll have another testimony of God's incredible provision. For now...

Pinch Me!

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. - Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

Those desires probably won't be served up on a silver platter...and the process may be difficult, but God is always good! I am surrounded by his goodness and am loving it!!!

Over the past few years the desires of our hearts have changed, but thankfully God knows best and provides in His perfect time! We are at a new beginning after waiting over two years while God worked out all the details. 

Our family had been involved in a ministry for over 9 years where our jobs, housing, and kids' school were all part of the package. While it was a great set up, leaving became a bit complicated. Once we decided to step out in faith, it's been fun watching God put all the pieces together.

We had been debt free for seven years! That's a really good thing... until you start thinking about buying a house. Daryl had no credit score and I was non-existent in the system. So for two years we played the credit card game and ended up with excellent credit and qualified for a home loan!

Even before knowing we'd be able to buy a house, we resigned our ministry without other jobs lined up. That was a foreign concept to us, but we felt we needed to take that step. My mom graciously invited us to stay with her during the transition, so we left our stuff in storage in Oklahoma and moved to my mom's in Kansas...actually to my childhood home! That's not weird at all - HA!

After a crazy time of trying to prove our residency at my mom's, we enrolled our son in a Kansas public on-line high school. God quickly provided a part-time job for me as a preschool cook - which was great but physically exhausting. We sold our old Jeep for more than we expected (which covered repairs needed on our van). God provided an anonymous cash gift when we really needed it. Daryl picked up some free-lance graphic design jobs and had a chance to decompress after a stressful couple of years. 

A couple of special college friends prayed Daryl through several interviews. When he accepted a job offer, I immediately quit mine :) His job puts us closer to two of our kids and our only granddaughter! It's still in Kansas so doesn't mess up our son's schooling! It pays enough that I won't have to work (a BIG desire)! And... we are able to buy a house - with a fenced back yard for our dog and an amazing front porch for me!!! And how exciting to have a house for the grandkids to visit! Daryl's new employer has been great during our transition of house hunting, commuting, and finally getting moved. It's been refreshing for him to feel valued and appreciated - which was evident when he walked in on his first day to a brand new Mac!!!

We are so excited to be homeowners after being tenants for over 9 years! And with the 3 month transition, we were able to move during the crisp cool fall weather of October instead of the horrible hot summer weather of July. Just another blessing of God's perfect timing! And we had incredible friends help us load the truck!

We've connected with a sweet couple in our new city through a college friend. They go to church with two of Daryl's co-workers - so we're ready to get involved in the church as soon as we get settled. Our realtors and lender have been so helpful to us as well as a lot of fun. And the beginning of this month was our LAST payment for our son's braces - just in time to start making house payments!

There have been a lot of hard days mixed in with the good days, but it's all been worth it! This is a snapshot of how God has been putting together our puzzle. He knew two years ago where we would be right now - HOME SWEET HOME. He is AMAZING!!!

Our Home

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 37:7a (NLT)

Intentional for 2018

I always think I'm not going to mess with picking a word for the year...but then a word quietly fills my head and won't leave. Some past words have been:

Simplify

Faithful

First

Come Alive

I still have a couple of these words spelled out with Scrabble letters where I can see them every time I open one of the blinds. This year's word won't fit on the Scrabble holder, so I made a sign.

visit my Etsy shop - intheGAPdesigns

Over the past couple of years I've tried to protect myself from doing things - or not doing things - out of guilt or obligation. Now I'm to the point where I need to be more intentional - in my spiritual life, my relationships, my finances, my home, and my health. I need to follow through and finish what I start, and the word intentional sure sounds less painful than discipline - HA!

I'm building on some goals I've set during the past two years in these areas and have a good idea of what is realistic and attainable.

• I'm not going to memorize a book of the Bible (I have a hard time memorizing a verse), but I can be intentional in daily readings to complete the Bible this year. 

• I'm not going to be everyone's best friend, but I can be intentional and pour into my family and a couple of special friendships.

• I'm not going to win the lottery, but I can be intentional in budgeting and tracking our spending through Every Dollar by Dave Ramsey.

• I'm not going to have a perfectly clean house (ever), but I can be intentional with a specific chore for each day.

• I'm not going to become a fitness guru, but I can be intentional with realistic exercise goals and healthier food choices.

Being intentional about being intentional almost feels like I'm learning to walk and just taking baby steps. I'll probably take a few steps forward with a couple of steps back...and I may even fall down. You would think I'd have life figured out by now, but even at 50 years old, I'm still a work in progress...intentional progress.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

Rain, Rain, It's Okay - Part 3

After 4 months, I'm finally realizing the blessings of the flood. As I was walking by the old house the other night, I found myself thanking God for the flood... for seeing His hands and feet in action by those who helped us move... for the purging we were forced to accomplish... for a house that is on a hill instead of in the "hollow" area... and for Jessika making the brave decision to move into the dorm at college.

I mentioned to my 16 year old son how I can finally see the good in the flood. He agreed! He showed me some artwork he's created for tattoos he'd like to get someday. He wants the Japanese symbols for strength and flood, one on each wrist, to remind him that strength comes after the flood. Wow! He's been processing more than I knew. I'm so glad he's seeing the good!

Alone, these realizations may not seem like much. But after the stress of the flood, moving, and not knowing where we'd end up living, they are like milestones for our family.  I'm thankful I can now consider these trials as joy (James chapter 1). And instead of dreading the rain as something negative, I'm beginning to recognize the imagery of water washing over me as God's cleansing, forgiveness, and grace.

I'm feeling more settled in our house and enjoy making it home. Today I've been doing things that I haven't done since the flood - my Saturday routine of making fruit leather, baking, and hanging out with my family. I've missed those normal things; and even though it's a little bit different in this house, the familiarity is comforting.

I'm thankful for God's mercy that falls like a sweet spring rain!

Strength came after the flood.

Rain, Rain, Go Away - Part 1

Rain, Rain, Go Away - Part 2

Rain, Rain, Go Away - Part 2

Following the flood, we felt very lost and needy. The maintenance department on campus probably got tired of hearing from us, but when a vacant house suddenly gets occupants, things need done... like hooking up the washing machine, repairing the hot water heater, fixing plumbing issues, etc.

It took days to get everything moved out of the flooded house and to get all the wet items washed. It took weeks to sort through tubs and find things trying to figure out how much to unpack and put away not knowing if/when we'll get back to our house. We were hopeful that our house would be repaired so we could move back and carry on as normal. Yeah, right!

Unfortunately, four weeks after the flood, we found out the house was going to be demolished. Even though we don't own the house, it was sad news to hear. We had lived there for almost eight years. Now what? Well, we had to clean out the attic...and the shed... The shed had flooded more than we realized and was a nasty smelly mess. We threw out anything that was wet, moldy, or absorbed the moldy odor - our Christmas tree, books, furniture, memorabilia, etc. We were tired...tired of moving, tired of the wet, tired of the smell...just tired!

We finally had everything moved over to the other house. Would we get to stay? Nothing was decided for almost four more weeks. We were starting to feel at home in the other house. We were fixing things, deep cleaning, painting, doing yard work and landscaping, and enjoying the new neighbors.

Then came the dreaded news that we'd have to move...again...to another house on campus...a much smaller house than what we had...and by the end of next month!

While the timing and details are being worked out concerning the move, we are searching for the lessons God is wanting us to learn while trying to remain joyful.

The kids are not thrilled to move back to the same area that flooded... in fact, we all cringe a little at the sound of rain and thunder. Jessika is changing her college plans and now moving away for the school year. Jarod is frustrated about losing space for having friends over and a place to hang out and play games. Daryl and I will have to purge and downsize even more.

Those aren't bad things...but they aren't what we want to do. What about our hobbies and collections? Do I give up stamping while we're in the smaller house? How long would that be? Does Jarod's nutcracker collection go in storage? Jessika's books? What about no office space for Daryl? Smaller bedrooms? Less bathrooms? No laundry room? No dishwasher? I know, these are all 1st world problems...but right now they are our problems...

I keep thinking how ironic it is that when we went through cancer, there was nothing to question - we just did what had to be done. So this should be easy...it's NOT cancer...it's just a house... But right now, it's our life and it doesn't feel any more settled than it did eight weeks ago when water started coming in under the back door.

Is God testing our obedience - OR - Is He preparing us for new opportunities?

Do our kids sacrifice again for our ministry - OR - Do we make changes for them?

Thankfully, we love and serve a mighty God who loves us and already knows how this is all going to work out for good!

Finally finished at the old house!

Be sure to read Part 1

Rain, Rain, Go Away - Part 1

I'm a creature of habit... even bad habits... And I'd rather be at home than anywhere... So when our house flooded and we were forced to move out, I was immediately way out of my comfort zone and happy place.

On April 29, I was enjoying a lazy Saturday morning at home with my family during a spring storm. The ground was saturated from a previous rain, and we watched the normally dry little creek bed fill with run-off water and quickly overflow. Since we've seen it overflow before and never reach our house, we didn't take the flash flood warnings very seriously.

Daryl was fixing breakfast while I made my morning cup of coffee. I went to look out back again, started to take a sip of coffee, and saw muddy water coming in under the door. The only words I could form were, "Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!" I grabbed all the towels I could find in the laundry room and tried to stop the water from going into the kitchen. Yeah, right!

Towels did not work...

My daughter Jessika was still in bed and jumped up to see what was going on. The bathroom across the hall from her room was already filling with water. In what seemed like a few seconds, water was everywhere! It was coming in the back door and flowing out the front door... and it must have come through the floor and walls! Our carpet appeared to be floating.

Yuck!

I was frantically going through the rooms trying to get stuff up off the floor while Jessika was trying to keep Buddy (the dog) from getting swept down stream! Daryl and our son Jarod worked on unplugging all the electronics. Daryl was zapped when he touched a power strip while standing in his flooded office! The table, counters, beds, furniture, and even bathtubs were piled with stuff, and water continued coming in. We called a friend to bring us a shop vac. Yeah, right!

My bed...

We were still getting stuff up off the floor when we were told to evacuate. We each quickly packed a bag and carefully waded out to our neighbor's pick-up that was high enough to still get through the water. Before we left... not knowing how high the water would get or how long it would stay... Daryl and Jarod kept me from having a total melt down by moving the cedar chest (hand made by my dad for my 21st birthday) up on the coffee table. I just couldn't leave with that piece of my dad sitting in nasty flood water to be ruined!

The end of our road!

We've never even thought about what to do in a flood. I figured we were going to be homeless and everything inside the house was going to be destroyed. Thankfully my mom suggested bed risers or even cinder blocks to put under our furniture. That got our brains working! We found a stack of bed risers, so later that afternoon when the water went down enough to walk back to the house, we put our main furniture up on the risers and then put trash bags under other items. Our piano is on wheels, so I rolled it forward, put down plastic lids, and then rolled the piano back onto the lids so it wasn't directly on the soaked carpet. The house already smelled bad, and the carpets sloshed. We tried using the shop vac again. Yeah, right!

Thankful for bed risers!

Because we live on the campus of Cookson Hills, we had lots of offers for places to stay. Since we were dragging along our freaked out wet dog, we decided to camp out in the former preschool room - it was carpeted and had access to a bathroom! Plus, we were soaked and more than a little frazzled with so much to process... we knew we wouldn't be very good company. It was nice to be with just the four of us - and the dog.

Our survival kit!

Sunday morning we headed to Walmart for tubs - lots of tubs. Not knowing if/when we'd be able to stay in the house, we decided to pack up things that we didn't want to get damp and smelly - like all of our books! Then we saved Jarod's nutcracker collection! While people on campus were helping two other flood victims get moved out of their wet homes, we found out they were coming to help us next. An empty house on the other side of campus was going to be our temporary home.

How in the world do you wrap your head around moving out of your house in ONE DAY??? I just stood on the sloshy carpet looking around at the total chaos of stuff piled everywhere. I was overwhelmed... with the smell... with all our stuff... and knowing people were on their way... The horror of people seeing ALL my stuff quickly faded when they walked in to help at the flooded house while others were getting the temporary house ready for us.

Our friends and co-workers were definitely the hands and feet of Jesus. They were so kind and willing to serve by supplying tubs, packing and moving, and providing food and drinks. They knew when to let us cry and when to give us hugs! If we were going to be flooded, we were at a good place for it to happen.

Those two days felt like forever, but we were just beginning our time of being unsettled!

...to be continued...

Here's Part 2

We Have This Hope

What is this hope? Not the kind of hope we throw around in casual conversation...

"I hope tomorrow is a nice day."

"I hope I get a letter in the mail."

"We hope things turn out for the best."

I'm talking about the hope we have in Christ - for salvation and eternal life!

This hope can easily be taken for granted. Growing up in a Christian home and being at church whenever the doors were open, sometimes hope was a given. It just was. And it wasn't until facing cancer that I realized the power of this hope - this hope in Christ. Because without the promise of salvation and eternal life, a diagnosis is meaningless... healing is meaningless... and life is meaningless...

I was sweetly reminded of this incredible hope while representing Cookson Hills during a missions weekend at our church. I admit, I tend to tune out when it comes to talking about missions or listening to missionaries. A lot of us probably have images of huts in the bush with memories of boring slide shows... But it's a whole new world out there!!! Missions is everything from children's homes and schools to coffee houses and libraries!

The weekend gave me a new appreciation for today's missionaries and the importance of sharing this HOPE with people. In fact, I came away with four distinct observations:

1. Persecution of Christians is Real

We can easily distance ourselves from the persecution of Christians around the world because it's so far away and isn't personal. Our speaker for the missions weekend was very real and had been very persecuted in his home country. The government caused a wreck that injured his son, injured his wife, and killed his unborn child. His home was invaded and belongings confiscated...at least twice. He and his family were harassed and received death threats to the point that they were forced to escape the country for their safety. They are now based in the United States where they work with Gospel Wave Media Ministry and share Jesus via satellite.

2. Heart Language

People need to hear Jesus in their heart language or mother tongue. Our speaker shared that watching the Jesus film years ago put out by CRU (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) and hearing Jesus speak in his heart language was the turning point for him. Jesus is for ALL people, so we need to share Jesus in ALL cultures... not just our "American" ways.

3. Technology Rules

Did you know most people around the world have cell phones or satellite? Even in the desert??? And in the slums??? People may not have electricity, but they have solar powered chargers for their phones! Or someone in town may have a generator and collect a fee to let people use it to charge their devices. Technology has opened up a whole new opportunity to reach people in closed countries. People may not be allowed to meet in person for church, but they can meet in chat rooms on-line.

4. Israel is Vital

Praying for the peace of Israel is obviously important for the people of Israel, but it is also vital for spreading the gospel to the world. It is a satellite hub for many ministries. Gospel Wave uploads their programming to Israel where it is then sent to closed countries.

So... what does this hope mean for those who don't know Christ? What if they worship Allah or another god? What if they worship L. Ron Hubbard or another person? What if they do more good works than I will ever do? It doesn't matter how much they believe in their god or how good they are, they have NO HOPE without this HOPE!

Jesus is the only way to salvation!

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6

People need to know about this hope, and we need to tell them!

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:19-20

My Two Words

It's time to pick my word for 2017... Last year I tried to focus on the word SIMPLIFY. I wanted to simplify my commitments and my stuff. I'd say it was probably the most successful year as far as sticking to my resolutions and goals. No, I wasn't perfect, but I was mindful and purposeful. I mean, I used a scrapbooking app (Project Life) and documented EVERY week this whole year! WHAT!!! Of course, I still need to get them printed...

My main resolution was to quit saying yes to things out of obligation or guilt. I think I did pretty well. I did not take on anything new that required me to be in charge. I did not join every activity that presented itself to me. And I was able to say no when I didn't feel like it was the best yes! Talk about freeing!!!

My other resolution was to simplify my stuff. Baby steps, right! I've done some but still have a lot of decluttering to do. Both of these resolutions will carry over to 2017!

I had also set some goals for the year in the areas of Faith, Family, Finance, and Fitness. I posted my Sweet 16 for 2016 goals on my bathroom mirror - which really kept me reminded of what I wanted to accomplish. It takes determination and discipline - neither are easy for me - but I stuck to it pretty well. I have tweaked those goals for 2017 and will keep plugging along!

So now a word to keep me focused and motivated for the new year is actually two words:

One thing my cancer journey is teaching me is that life is to be LIVED! It's okay to step out of my comfort zone and experience new things. It's okay to have fun. It's okay to get rid of obligation and guilt. It's okay to dream BIG.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

~ Ephesians 3:20 NLT 

It's time to come alive and live life filled with the Holy Spirit - to be a soul on fire with the breath of God giving life to my dry bones!

As we call out to dry bones 

come alive, come alive

We call out to dead hearts 

come alive, come alive

Up out of the ashes, let us see an army rise

We call out to dry bones 

come alive

My Talk About Our Walk

Earlier this month Daryl and I represented TEAM TERRI at the Tulsa Light the Night Walk awards dinner. The top 5 Corporate, Friends & Family, and Individual fundraisers were recognized with a framed team picture taken at the Walk. TEAM TERRI was the #4 Friends & Family team for the Tulsa Walk!!! WOO HOO!!!

When I gave our RSVP for the dinner, the coordinator asked if I would share about why we walk, how we raise funds, and what we appreciate about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I was honored, and this is what I wrote to help me keep my thoughts straight!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

We participate in the Light the Night Walk because blood cancer is now a part of our lives. Four years ago this Christmas, my mom noticed a lump near my collar bone. After several doctor visits, tests, biopsies, and then surgery, I was diagnosed with two types of non-Hodgkin Lymphoma – Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma and Follicular Lymphoma. I had six rounds of R-CHOP and am doing well.

At my chemo orientation, the nurse practitioner mentioned the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Since the only thing I knew about lymphoma was that my husband’s grandma died from it over 20 years ago, I was thankful for a reputable organization dedicated to blood cancer. As you know, the internet can be super scary when googling for information, so I tried to stick to LLS as my main resource.

I also took advantage of their Co-Pay Assistance program. When my doctor visits require a 150 mile round trip to Tulsa, being reimbursed for my co-pays is a big help! And I love that LLS has a very involved advocacy program that keeps us updated and provides the information so all we usually have to do is click a link!

At the end of my treatment, I was searching for ways to give back and be involved in awareness efforts. I found information about the Light the Night Walk and knew we had to do it. I appreciate that it’s more intimate than a 5K race – which we’ve also done – and that my whole family can participate with me. TEAM TERRI isn’t huge – it’s just my family – so the Walk is a great way for us to celebrate together and have a meaningful time to reflect on our journey and know that our fundraising is helping others. I love the white lantern and survivor shirt. I love that my husband and kids are recognized with red lanterns as supporters. And I love that my mother-in-law can carry a yellow lantern in memory of her mother. And this year, my father-in-law joined us with a white lantern for his battle with multiple myeloma.

I’m especially proud to be associated with an organization that gives 74% towards research and patient services! Not very many organizations can say that – especially some of the really well-known ones…

Fundraising is a little tricky for us. We live out in the country and work at a non-profit ministry, so we don’t really have the opportunity to use our workplace as a fundraising venue. I keep a “Coins for a Cure” can on my desk year round and had close to $50 by the time of the walk. In the spring I have a garage sale and use the money as a Kick-Off to our TEAM TERRI fundraising. The majority of our fundraising comes from friends and family. I use Facebook as my platform for requesting donations and take advantage of September being Blood Cancer Awareness Month. I make sure our Light the Night pages are set up and ready to go by August and then in September post something daily about blood cancer and our walk and include our TEAM TERRI link. It’s great that LLS already has graphics to use – plus my husband is a graphic designer and makes me lots of stuff! I post all year long to keep focus on blood cancer and finding a CURE!

I’m thankful to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for their information and resources, their patient services and co-pay assistance, their advocacy on behalf of blood cancer patients, and especially for funding RESEARCH which is developing new treatments that are saving lives and will someday lead to a CURE! The statistics now compared to 40 years ago are amazing, and I’m thankful to be one of the new numbers! THANK YOU!

Official "team" picture at the Walk

We're on our way to the Walk

Two of my kiddos

Showing off our SURVIVOR shirts

My Sweetie and biggest cheerleader

The beginning of the Walk

Jessika's Heart

I've prayed God would be real to my kids, and He answered! My daughter had an assignment to write about a significant event in her life. I'm very proud of her courage to share from her heart... with her class... and on my blog! She has become one of my biggest encouragers!

The Year that Changed Everything…

by

Jessika Williams

            It was Christmas Eve 2013. I was just 15 years old. My family and I were at my grandma’s house for Christmas just like every year, opening presents, eating sugar cookies, and watching cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. We had to head back home that day after presents and Christmas dinner with the family. Before we left my grandma asked my mom what that lump was on her neck. “What is that, Terri?” she asked, pointing to my mom’s neck.

            “What?” my mom asked confused. She put her hand up to her throat and felt a lump. “That’s weird… I’ve never noticed that.”

            “You should probably get that checked out. It could be a swollen lymph node,” my Grandma said matter-of-factly.

            I never thought too much about the lump on my mom’s neck. I knew it couldn’t be anything serious because nothing serious could happen to my family. It wasn’t until later that I realized how wrong I was…

*****

            In the early days of January, my mom went to the doctor for tests and scans of her neck. It felt like weeks before we finally got the news that changed everything. Cancer. Non-Hodgkin lymphoma, a cancer that infects the lymph nodes all over your body.

            My stomach dropped. I barely remember my parents actually telling me that it was cancer. The whole thing was such a blur. My mom has cancer, I thought to myself in disbelief. She started chemotherapy almost immediately after getting diagnosed. It all happened so fast, but in a way, it felt like time was agonizingly slow.

            I had a lot of resentment in the beginning of this never-ending journey, mostly towards God. My family had always gone to church, always been Christians, and I was angry with God for letting this happen to my mom. This is what we get for following you? I asked Him. I hated Him for a long time because he gave my mom cancer.

            I felt like I was in a bad dream. A dream I could not wake my self up from no matter how hard I tried. At school I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me - my teachers, my friends. It’s like everyone was waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown. I acted out in school and almost twice a week or more I was getting sent to the principal’s office for talking in class and being disrespectful. I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about school, my grades, how I treated others… I was so full of resentment and sadness.

            My mom was amazing through it all. She had chemo all the time, but still went to work and put on a smile everyday no matter how tired and sick she was feeling. That’s just the kind of person my mom is. She never made us feel scared, and she never resented God. Seeing her become closer to God, when he allowed her to have cancer, amazed me. My dad was just the same. He stepped up and took care of my mom and us kids, and that strengthened our relationships with him. Looking at how they dealt with it made me realize I was reacting in all the wrong ways. I saw that I needed to be there for my parents and siblings and be an encourager rather than a discourager.

            Though I felt a change needed to happen, it took me a long time to even pick up my Bible again. Once I finally did, I found peace. My anger with God began to fade and my relationship with him and my parents grew stronger because of the cancer.

            In a way, I’m thankful for the cancer because it brought something other than just pain and sickness. It brought me a new understanding of love and life. It taught me to cherish every moment I have on this earth and with the people in my life. It brought me closer to my parents and God and it strengthened those relationships. Cancer showed me who my true friends were that would stand by me through the tears and through the happiness.

            Life always brings things we don’t expect. I never thought my family would be troubled with something as awful as cancer, but here we are. Three years later and still working through it. My mom truly is my hero and I’m grateful to have shared our story.

Special encouragement for scan day!

Life is Messy, but God is GOOD!

Do you ever just feel like throwing up your hands and saying life stinks?!?! People and relationships can get so messy. And life messes are incredibly hard... maybe even harder than cancer! With cancer, everyone is united against the same ugly disease. With people... everyone is not always on the same page. That's when life can get messy.

In the middle of the mess, it's so easy to whine and question WHY??? Sometimes it would be easier to keep the peace rather than stick to convictions. And it's difficult to navigate the range of emotions and to think rationally through the heartache and tears.

Thankfully, God is good, heals broken hearts, and restores broken relationships!

We've recently experienced some tough growing pains as parents. We've had to humbly acknowledge during this messy time of life that until you've walked in someone's shoes, don't judge. It's easy to look at others and say, "We wouldn't do it that way." And believe me, we've said that many times! But chances are, you don't know all the details, and you don't know how you'd react. We now better understand the truth of John Bradford's words ~ There but for the grace of God, go I.

We're blessed with friends who have walked in similar shoes and are willing to come along beside us with wise counsel, encouragement, and prayers. They have poured into us in ways we didn't expect - but so needed - and have pointed us to the goodness of God.

So we're holding tight to the truth that God is good - all the time!

When we don't have words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes...  

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ~ Romans 8:26

When we can't see past the present pain, God is preparing the good...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

When we wonder why things are happening like they are, God is making us more like Jesus...

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son... ~ Romans 8:29

God is faithful and has already started the healing process. We will move forward striving to honor HIM in our relationships... our words... our actions. It will take time... but even when life is messy, GOD IS GOOD!!!

Three Years!

This week was another CT scan and follow up with my oncologist. It's been almost three years since finishing treatment for my lymphoma - THREE YEARS!!!

In those three years my oncologist's office has moved, my original doctor left, and the practice has changed names. For someone who is comfortable with the familiar, these have been big changes! But one good thing with the name change and partnering with St. John Hospital and MD Anderson is that I can now have my scans done AT Oklahoma Cancer Specialists and Research Institute (formerly Tulsa Cancer Institute) and insurance will approve it!

So this week was a familiar scan (how many have I had???) but at a new place. Every place does their stuff differently, and that always adds a little stress to an already somewhat stressful situation. This was the first time my port was accessed for the contrast IV (which everyone should experience at least once). No biggie, but the tape they used to keep everything in place from the lab to radiology was too tight and I couldn't even stand up straight without my port digging into whatever muscle it's on.

The nurse brought out TWO big styrofoam cups of a delicious somewhat nasty liquid to drink - one right then and one about 15 minutes later. I asked her to fix the tape on my port... right in the middle of the waiting room... but I didn't care. It was nice to move without pain!!!

I waited at least 30 minutes before getting called back for the scan. That's a lot of time to get worked up and start freaking out about what they might find. I got the shakes and couldn't stop. Poor Daryl was getting worried about me. I kept quoting my mantra:

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in him. - Jeremiah 17:7

And even added the next two verse:

He will be like a tree planted by the water 
that sends out its roots by the stream. 
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit. - Jeremiah 17:8-9

The CT scan itself was fairly routine. I wore a shirt with a design of metal accents so had to change into a gown. Who knew just figuring out what to wear would be such a big deal. It needs to be fairly warm (the clinic is on the cool side) with a neck line that allows easy access to my port, and no metal for a scan. And it also needs to be cute so I feel good, right!

Since I had the scan at the clinic in the morning, we left for lunch and a little shopping before going back in the afternoon to get the results from my oncologist. That waiting... it's a big part of the journey, but still not fun. I'm not sure it gets easier, but hopefully we're wiser!

RESULTS ARE GOOD!!! No changes or signs of enlarged lymph nodes!!! Bloodwork showed elevated liver enzymes, but my liver was clear on the scan, so Dr. Taylor isn't concerned. My alkaline phosphatase was below normal which is related to my bone density and osteopenia. He said to keep taking the Prolia shots! Everything else was pretty much perfect!

I've graduated to seeing my oncologist every six months! I'll have one more yearly scan to check a spot that is unchanged from last year and is probably scar tissue. If next year's scan is unchanged, I won't need one every year. We even talked about taking out my port... except the follicular lymphoma dictates it stays. In fact, my doctor said something like this: Oh yeah, you also have the follicular. The diffuse large B cell is probably cured. The follicular will probably come back, so the port stays.

That's the update! Scan in one year, visit to oncologist with blood work every six months, keep the port and have it flushed every two months. Works for me! 

Thank you to all who continue to pray for us!!! You helped us get through an emotionally draining day!

Jarod's Sweet Perspective

As I reflect back on the beginning of this journey three years ago, I'm reminded of many blessings. My kids have been a great support and encouragement to me! I want to share a sweet paper my son wrote for school that summarizes several events and conversations. He was 12 at the time of my diagnosis. 

                                                                                     

Cancer

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”  I heard as I stretched out my arm to turn off my alarm. Better get ready to go to Grandma’s house, I thought to myself. I slowly got out of bed and got all my things I needed to go to my grandma’s house for a week. After all of my family and I got everything we needed packed into our van, we set off for my grandma’s.

After a four hour car trip, which felt like ten hours, we finally made it. It wasn’t that bad of a trip; it was pretty nice actually, until my grandma pointed out something on my mom’s neck during dinner.

“It looks like you got a bump or something on your neck, Terri,” She said.  “What is it?’

“I don’t know. Do you guys see anything?”  She asked around the table.

“No, I don’t,” I told her.  At least, at the time I didn’t. As the trip went on, the more my grandma was talking about it, the more noticeable it became. My grandma kept going on and on about it, until my mom finally decided to get it checked at the doctor after we got back home. 

My mom and dad went to the doctor after her surgery to find out about the bump on her neck.  At the time I wasn’t worried. I figured if it was anything, it would be something small like some weird thing for the flu, but it wasn’t. When my parents got back from the doctor, they called my three sisters and me out to the living room and told us the bad news, that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It hit my sisters and me pretty hard, but we tried not to show it, not wanting to make things worse for my dad because we could tell it hit him the hardest.

After we got the news things were really strange and different. Because of the medicine and chemo my mom was taking she couldn’t get any germs. Every time we went outside, shook hands with someone, or touched anything really, we had to use Germ-X and make sure our hands were germ free. My mom also had to carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer wherever she went.   

The chemo she was taking also made all her hair fall out so she had to get a wig. The whole family went with my mom to go help her pick out her wig. I don’t know if I was having trouble accepting the fact my mom got cancer or fathoming it, but when we were at the wig store is when everything really hit me. I don’t completely know what happened, but I just sort of broke down and started crying.  

My family knew before the wig store that I was having a hard time with everything, but they didn’t know I was taking it as hard as I was. It didn’t help when everyone would come up to me and try to tell me everything would be okay, not even when my parents told me that because if they were being honest, they didn’t know. The only thing that I or anyone could do that really helped was to pray, and that’s something I did a lot of.

I spent a lot of my time in my room the next couple of weeks thinking and praying about everything that was going on, while my parents spent a lot of their time making sure my sisters and I were okay when they weren’t at the doctor’s office. After my parents got back from their second doctor’s appointment, my mom came in to tell me about what her doctor said.

“Hey Jarod. Whacha doing?” she asked me.

“Oh, nothing, just some homework. How was your doctor’s appointment?’

“It was fine, but I wanted to tell you about what the doctor said about the cancer I have.”

“Oh, okay what?”

“Well it turns out I have two types of lymphoma. And I don’t have the worst type of lymphoma there is, but one type of cancer that can’t completely be cured.”

“So it will just lay dormant in you your whole life?” I asked with a confused face.

“Well, it won’t necessarily be dormant. It has a chance of coming back.”

“SO WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING MEDICINE IF IT WON’T CURE THE CANCER!?!” I shouted while tears were building up in my eyes.

“Because the medicine will help, and it doesn’t have a high chance of coming back after the medicine,” my mom told me while tears were building up in her eyes as well. At that point I didn’t know what to say, so I just laid down on my bed and cried. My mom stood in the middle of my room and slowly walked out.

It took a couple of days to realize that it was stupid of me to be mad, so I went to my mom and just said that I was sorry and walked away. I went to my room and thought for a bit about how things are going to be now that my mom has cancer and how just life was going to be.

            “God,” I said at the brink of tears. “You know that these last few weeks have been the hardest weeks I have ever had in my life, and even though this whole, I don’t know, thing or chapter of my life, I don’t know…  Even though it has been very hard, I can see, I-I know, there has been good in it as well. If this whole whatever never happened, I wouldn’t be as close to my family as I am now. I wouldn’t be as close to You as I am now, and as I said before it has been very hard, but I would not trade this experience for anything. So with all that said um, I just wanted thank you. Um, uh, I’m not saying I’m happy my mom got cancer, I’m saying I’m thankful for all of the good that came from this.”

            “Jarod,” my mom said as she slowly opened my door. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”

           “Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m sorry I’ve been giving you a hard time lately, it’s just been kinda hard adjusting, well more like accepting, everything that’s happened these last few weeks.”

            “It’s okay. I know you’ve been having a tough time. It’s been a tough time for everyone. This is just a part of life we have to get use to now.”

            “Yeah…  okay.” She then made her way to the door. “Mom,” I called out.

            “Yeah.”

            “So, you said the type of cancer you have, it’ll never completely be out of you, right?”

            “…Yeah.”

            “Hmm okay, that’s what I thought,” I said as she walked out of the room and closed the door. I sat on my bed for a little bit. I wasn’t thinking or praying, just sitting. And then I said, “Amen.”

November 2012 - two months before diagnosis