Jarod's Sweet Perspective

As I reflect back on the beginning of this journey three years ago, I'm reminded of many blessings. My kids have been a great support and encouragement to me! I want to share a sweet paper my son wrote for school that summarizes several events and conversations. He was 12 at the time of my diagnosis. 

                                                                                     

Cancer

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”  I heard as I stretched out my arm to turn off my alarm. Better get ready to go to Grandma’s house, I thought to myself. I slowly got out of bed and got all my things I needed to go to my grandma’s house for a week. After all of my family and I got everything we needed packed into our van, we set off for my grandma’s.

After a four hour car trip, which felt like ten hours, we finally made it. It wasn’t that bad of a trip; it was pretty nice actually, until my grandma pointed out something on my mom’s neck during dinner.

“It looks like you got a bump or something on your neck, Terri,” She said.  “What is it?’

“I don’t know. Do you guys see anything?”  She asked around the table.

“No, I don’t,” I told her.  At least, at the time I didn’t. As the trip went on, the more my grandma was talking about it, the more noticeable it became. My grandma kept going on and on about it, until my mom finally decided to get it checked at the doctor after we got back home. 

My mom and dad went to the doctor after her surgery to find out about the bump on her neck.  At the time I wasn’t worried. I figured if it was anything, it would be something small like some weird thing for the flu, but it wasn’t. When my parents got back from the doctor, they called my three sisters and me out to the living room and told us the bad news, that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It hit my sisters and me pretty hard, but we tried not to show it, not wanting to make things worse for my dad because we could tell it hit him the hardest.

After we got the news things were really strange and different. Because of the medicine and chemo my mom was taking she couldn’t get any germs. Every time we went outside, shook hands with someone, or touched anything really, we had to use Germ-X and make sure our hands were germ free. My mom also had to carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer wherever she went.   

The chemo she was taking also made all her hair fall out so she had to get a wig. The whole family went with my mom to go help her pick out her wig. I don’t know if I was having trouble accepting the fact my mom got cancer or fathoming it, but when we were at the wig store is when everything really hit me. I don’t completely know what happened, but I just sort of broke down and started crying.  

My family knew before the wig store that I was having a hard time with everything, but they didn’t know I was taking it as hard as I was. It didn’t help when everyone would come up to me and try to tell me everything would be okay, not even when my parents told me that because if they were being honest, they didn’t know. The only thing that I or anyone could do that really helped was to pray, and that’s something I did a lot of.

I spent a lot of my time in my room the next couple of weeks thinking and praying about everything that was going on, while my parents spent a lot of their time making sure my sisters and I were okay when they weren’t at the doctor’s office. After my parents got back from their second doctor’s appointment, my mom came in to tell me about what her doctor said.

“Hey Jarod. Whacha doing?” she asked me.

“Oh, nothing, just some homework. How was your doctor’s appointment?’

“It was fine, but I wanted to tell you about what the doctor said about the cancer I have.”

“Oh, okay what?”

“Well it turns out I have two types of lymphoma. And I don’t have the worst type of lymphoma there is, but one type of cancer that can’t completely be cured.”

“So it will just lay dormant in you your whole life?” I asked with a confused face.

“Well, it won’t necessarily be dormant. It has a chance of coming back.”

“SO WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING MEDICINE IF IT WON’T CURE THE CANCER!?!” I shouted while tears were building up in my eyes.

“Because the medicine will help, and it doesn’t have a high chance of coming back after the medicine,” my mom told me while tears were building up in her eyes as well. At that point I didn’t know what to say, so I just laid down on my bed and cried. My mom stood in the middle of my room and slowly walked out.

It took a couple of days to realize that it was stupid of me to be mad, so I went to my mom and just said that I was sorry and walked away. I went to my room and thought for a bit about how things are going to be now that my mom has cancer and how just life was going to be.

            “God,” I said at the brink of tears. “You know that these last few weeks have been the hardest weeks I have ever had in my life, and even though this whole, I don’t know, thing or chapter of my life, I don’t know…  Even though it has been very hard, I can see, I-I know, there has been good in it as well. If this whole whatever never happened, I wouldn’t be as close to my family as I am now. I wouldn’t be as close to You as I am now, and as I said before it has been very hard, but I would not trade this experience for anything. So with all that said um, I just wanted thank you. Um, uh, I’m not saying I’m happy my mom got cancer, I’m saying I’m thankful for all of the good that came from this.”

            “Jarod,” my mom said as she slowly opened my door. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”

           “Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m sorry I’ve been giving you a hard time lately, it’s just been kinda hard adjusting, well more like accepting, everything that’s happened these last few weeks.”

            “It’s okay. I know you’ve been having a tough time. It’s been a tough time for everyone. This is just a part of life we have to get use to now.”

            “Yeah…  okay.” She then made her way to the door. “Mom,” I called out.

            “Yeah.”

            “So, you said the type of cancer you have, it’ll never completely be out of you, right?”

            “…Yeah.”

            “Hmm okay, that’s what I thought,” I said as she walked out of the room and closed the door. I sat on my bed for a little bit. I wasn’t thinking or praying, just sitting. And then I said, “Amen.”

November 2012 - two months before diagnosis

One Word

It's just one word, but how do you pick just one word for a whole year? I tried it last year and did pretty well focusing on it and trying to blog something each week... until I went on vacation.

So the past few days I've been searching for a word.

I've set some goals for the year that involve my Faith, Family, Fitness, and Finances. I had no problem coming up with those words! Anyway, as I was writing down some goals, I had to admit I don't always follow through with things. Just ask my family! Or look at my scrapbooks! 

I still haven't finished an on-line class I started this past summer (I have a year to finish, and I'm sure I'll take that long). I started exercising regularly... for a few weeks. I don't think I've ever completed every lesson in a Bible study. You get the idea.

Obviously I need help with follow through, but that's two words...

In the middle of reflecting on my bad habits and thinking about working on good ones, I've been rearranging and organizing all my stamping and scrapping stash. One daughter moved back home this semester to save some money. Since I had pretty much taken over her room, I'm trying to clear out my stuff and give her back her space. While I was trying to find just the right spot for it all, I thought of the word simplify. 

It would sooooo help me, if I could simplify my life - mostly my THINGS! I would have less mess which would require less cleaning, less organizing, and less frustration. I would have more time to spend working on my goals! In fact, simplifying my life would probably help me follow through with things!!!

Then a friend shared a video to Lauren Daigle's song, First, with this post: 

Whether you are planning your year, month, week, or day, consider seeking God first. Jeremiah 29:13 tells us, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I just found my word - FIRST!

A Lifetime of Thankfulness

November starts the 30 Days of Thankfulness posts on Facebook - and one year I posted something I was thankful for each day (Days 1-11 and Days 12-30). I always enjoying reading what my friends post, but after an emotional day, this year I want to focus on how thankful I am for the HOPE we have in Christ - not just for 30 days, but for a lifetime!

Some days it hits me harder than others when my cancer junk is at the front of my thoughts. I can't even begin to imagine what veterans go through with PTSD. 

A graphic popped up on Facebook this morning stating November is National Caregivers Month (in addition to many other awareness issues). So on the way to church I'm thinking about how well my husband and family took care of me - and still do - during my treatment and the emotional roller coaster that is still a daily ride.

Now I begin reflecting on my journey...

While waiting for our service to start, I read an update about a little boy in our church who has neuroblastoma (Coltrane the Courageous). The honesty shared by Coltrane's dad is both heartbreaking and hopeful. It makes my emotional roller coaster look like a kiddie ride.

Now I begin feeling survivor's guilt...

Then we sing Great I Am (Phillips, Craig & Dean) and tears begin flowing as I reflect on the powerful words...

Hallelujah, holy, holy
God Almighty, the great I Am
Who is worthy, none beside Thee
God Almighty, the great I Am

I pull myself together for the sermon, but during offering we sing 10,000 Reasons (Matt Redman). That last verse always gets me...

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore 

Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I'll worship Your Holy name 

Now I'm just a blubbering mess...

And tonight I read that Fred Thompson died - after a relapse of indolent lymphoma - which just brings up more emotions... and maybe a few fears...

I can't imagine getting through life - especially the tough things of life - without the promise of eternity in God's presence.
 
So, I'm going to keep my eye on the prize and pursue a lifetime of thankfulness for the HOPE I have in Christ - firm and secure!

The Most Unlikely

Do you ever feel insignificant? Or as if you're the most unlikely to make a difference? Welcome to my world.

I’m still trying to figure out what comes next in this crazy journey I’ve been on for almost three years. It's so easy to slip back into old habits when life isn't as tough as it had been. 

I want to dream big and do significant things for God, but I’m not sure what that looks like. And honestly, I feel a bit like the most unlikely to do great things. 

But I know that God didn’t bring me through the most wonderfully difficult experience of my life for me to return to complacency or remain stagnant.

So... what does God want me to do? How does He want me to encourage others?? To glorify Him???

I know fear and my own insecurities are big stumbling blocks. Talking about my cancer was easy. It was so tangible. It was there for the world to see, bald head and all. But knowing what to do now is scary and intimidating because it's not so in-your-face obvious. 

Wouldn't it be great if God painted a message in the sky that said, "Terri, I want you to ____________."

For now, I need to trust God while I continue...

• blogging... and trying to expand my writing - especially since it's good therapy.

• reading and learning... from God's Word, spiritual mentors, and inspirational authors.

• praying... for friends who are on a hard journey and for God's revelation of how He wants to use me. 

I just listened to a snippet from Patsy Clairmont that is exactly what I need to hear:

"God chooses to use the most unlikely to accomplish things far beyond what they believe they can do... When we get our eyes off of what we're not and focus on who He is, it will make all the difference."

Linked to:

 

Hello, I'm Terri...

...and I'm a procrastinator!

There, I said it. I've always known it but usually blame it on something else. I'm too busy... I have four kids... I have too much going through my head to keep it all straight... I work full-time... I have chemo brain...

Glynnis Whitwer's new book Taming the To-Do List has helped me recognize some issues in my procrastination, or what I like to call my organized chaos! Understanding some reasons why I don't accomplish everything is helping me see what I need to change in my thinking and implementation of my to-do list. This book is very practical, and while reading it, I felt like it was describing ME!

I appreciate the personal examples which also give practical tips for improvement. Glynnis Whitwer includes an application at the end of each chapter for two areas the reader identifies at the beginning of the book: a regular task - I'm working on our budget - and a personal goal - I'm dreaming about ways to use my cancer experience.

I'm grateful to Revell for sending me this book for review. It is easy to read, completely relevant, and gives tangible tools to help us all tame our to-do lists!

The Season of Leaves

I hate leaves... the dead leaves that make a home in my gutters and pile up all over my yard, porch, yard, flower beds, yard, patio... and did I mention yard??? I hate cleaning them out of all those places. I hate the smell of damp leaves that have been snoozing in the gutters and on the ground. I hate the critters that are hiding in the smelly wet leaves.

I was thinking about how much I hate those dead leaves today as I was scooping out the slime that was growing miniature trees in the gutters. And for an instant I wondered why we even have to mess with leaves in the fall. But then I was quickly reminded of Ecclesiastes chapter 3...  

There is a time for everything, 

and a SEASON for every activity under heaven. 

What if there were no leaves to clean up in the fall? 

I would miss out on the sweet flowers that appear on the trees as we welcome spring.

I would miss out on the new leaves and their sea of green that provide an umbrella of shade in the summer.

I would miss out on the miracle of the changing colors of the leaves that announce fall.

I would miss out on the bare branches that seem to strike a pose against the winter backdrop.

And I would miss out on recognizing how God's amazing creation changes with each SESAON! 

I turned my griping into rejoicing as I scooped leaves out of the gutters and raked them out of the garden. I actually found myself thankful for the smelly wet leaves. Thankful for the opportunity to be outside soaking up some sunshine and vitamin D. Thankful for getting a work-out while checking off an item on my to-do list. And thankful that my collection of leaves made the silly chickens so happy.

Yes, I am thankful for the season of leaves!

Linking to:

Why We Walk

It's time for another Light the Night Walk, and we need your support!!!

There's always confusion and mixed feelings when it comes to fundraising. I hate asking for money, and people want to know where their money is going. So, let me explain...

TEAM TERRI's participation in the Light the Night Walk is NOT a fundraiser for us personally. All proceeds from the Light the Night Walk go to the The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to help advance their mission:  to CURE leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families.

Here's a graphic showing how funds are used by LLS.

As a blood cancer patient, LLS has personally been a benefit to me through:

Educational Materials

LLS has materials for each specific type of blood cancer. It's been my "go-to" place for information on my two types of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. In fact, it's where I learned my Stage 3 diagnosis didn't necessarily mean the same as other Stage 3 cancers. Whew! The internet can be a scary place when looking up cancer. LLS is a reputable source with helpful information for my specific type of cancer. They also offer seminars (on-line and locally), forums, and on-line chats and webinars.

Co-Pay Assistance Program

I was able to qualify for the Co-Pay Assistance Program that reimburses me for co-pays during treatment and follow-up. It also reimburses part of my insurance premiums. That has been a huge help considering we drive 150 miles round trip for each appointment, port flush, and scan... not to mention paying for those appointments and scans :)

Government Advocacy

LLS has an advocacy group that works on behalf of cancer patients from the local to national level. They make it easy for others to be involved by providing links with e-mails already composed ready for us to hit send.

Light the Night Walk

The Light the Night Walk is a special evening that honors patients and survivors, caregivers, and those who have lost their battle to blood cancer. Our family represents all three groups - me as a survivor (white lantern), my family as excellent caregivers (red lantern), and in memory of my husband's grandmother who passed away from lymphoma before targeted therapies were developed (gold lantern). We're also walking in honor of my father-in-law who was recently diagnosed with multiple myleoma. The walk is very personal for our family!

RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH

I love the truth of this picture...

The outcome of my therapy may have been totally different if not for the development of Rituxan - a targeted therapy that has been available for only 20 years. Without funding, there is no research. Without research, there aren't as many survival stories. In fact, 40 years ago, there was only a 3% chance of surviving childhood leukemia. Today, 90% of children with leukemia survive! Amazing!

So... that's why we participate in the Light the Night Walk and give to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. We'd love for you to support TEAM TERRI as we walk to the end of blood cancer.

Join our team or donate here!