Where's My Trust?

I’m learning that even though cancer treatment is finished, the journey is still filled with new adventures. Although I’m tired of the 70 mile drive to Tulsa for appointments - especially my every-six-week port flush - it’s a great opportunity to think, worship, and pray. I was even thinking about what to post next on my blog. I’m sure God was smiling laughing knowing what was ahead.

As I was waiting for the nurse to come flush my port, I wondered why she was on the phone and looking up something on the computer. It was just a port flush... no doctor visit, no lab orders... so what was the confusion???

She finished on the phone and started setting up for the flush then said, “Did you know that Dr. McHam is gone?” WHAT! “He moved to Nebraska.” WHAT!! “Who moves to Nebraska in the winter?” WHAT!!!

I was totally stunned. I had just seen him last month to get my biopsy results. He didn’t say anything. I didn’t receive a letter or any kind of notice. I felt a little bit betrayed and abandoned. I even had to fight back tears. We just had a typical doctor/patient relationship, but he was my CANCER doctor!

On the bright side, I’m finished with treatment. 

But still...

And his Nurse Practitioner is still there. I see her every-other visit, and I like her. 

But still...

I was totally caught off guard by the news that my doctor was gone... and also caught off guard by how it affected me.

Here’s where I think God was smiling laughing. I started making the connection with how my reaction showed where I seemed to have placed my trust. Yes, I need to have confidence in my doctor and trust his treatment plan. But... he’s just a person. And we all know that people fail and disappoint. I will have another doctor. And who knows, he may be even better!

Ultimately, where am I placing my trust? I choose to trust in God my Savior! In fact, on the drive to my appointment, I caught the words to Christ Alone, Cornerstone:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly TRUST in Jesus' Name

And then the following morning my daughter posted this verse on Facebook:

Those who know your name will TRUST in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
~Psalm 9:10

Doctors move, people fail and disappoint... even betray and abandon, but God NEVER forsakes those who seek Him. AMEN!

This is Not Our Home

And I'm so glad. There's a lot of heartache in this life, and I'm incredibly thankful this isn't all there is for us.

In just the past few months, cancer seems to be everywhere - even in the headlines. Maybe it's because I've been touched by cancer that I'm more sensitive when others face that awful diagnosis... or maybe there's a rise in cancer rates... Regardless, I have family, friends, and friends with family members currently battling multiple myeloma, metastatic bone cancer, two with inoperable brain tumors, pancreatic cancer, liver cancer, two with lung cancer, breast cancer, bladder cancer, and three internet friends I'm following on FB with leukemia, a rare lymphoma, and Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.

I'm so thankful Jesus is preparing a place for us... for eternity! A place with NO MORE CANCER, illness, or disease.

No more death.

No more mourning.

No more crying.

No more pain.

Revelation 21:4 is an AWESOME PROMISE!!!

I'll admit, the thought of heaven used to scare me. I kind of like things that are familiar, comfortable, and predictable. Well... cancer changed all of that. Nothing about it is any of those three things! But thankfully, it has given me a longing for heaven where we will see Jesus face to face and praise Him forever!

In the news this week, a young woman with a terminal brain tumor decided to "die with dignity" and ended her life before the cancer took over her body. While I totally understand not wanting to suffer the effects of the disease, I don't agree that her way is how one dies with dignity! No one wants to suffer... or have their loved ones watch them suffer... and I've struggled with "what if" while going through my journey... but Jesus tells us in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have OVERCOME the world." Praise God this is not our home!

I want to share the following encouragement from a friend. 

To all of my friends battling cancer,

I do not know.  I do not know the pain you endure. I do not know the tears you must cry.  I do not know the fear that creeps on your heart. I do not know the boiling anger you battle. I do not know the questions you never have answered. I do not know the feeling of harsh chemicals in my body. I do not know the kind of conversations you have with your children. I do not know the days you feel alone. I do not know the way you cherish each breath. I do not know the feeling of counting each mile to the hospital. I just do not know.

But I know you and I am thankful. Thankful that you don't give up. Thankful for your resolve to win your battle. Thankful for the depth of humility you have in allowing others to help. Thankful you exemplify there is more to life than outward beauty and physical comfort. Thankful for your servants heart, painfully accepting your fight is not just about you. Thankful you lean on a strength not your own. Thankful you fight for one more day to tell someone that you love them.

I know that you are the one I will tell my children about when I am teaching them endurance, patience, humility, life, love, hope and faith.

You are the one I will hold up as the definition of dignity.

God bless you. Praying for you and I love you all.

Till He returns or calls me home - 
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

The Light the Night Walk 2014

We are so excited to have raised $2,024.50 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society with a matching gift still pending. THANK YOU to everyone who donated to TEAM TERRI. Words can't express how meaningful it is to have the support of family and friends after being on the receiving end of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's research and patient programs. Our lives will never be the same, and now we will always be an advocate for LLS and its mission to CURE blood cancer!

Here are snapshots of our evening...
 

TEAM TERRI

SURVIVOR shirt

Walking for me, my father-in-law, and a friend

He's walking for me :)

Selfie

Gold = In Memory

Red = Supporters / Caregivers

White = SURVIVORS

Lighting the Night as we walk

My sweet family

Trying to line dance at the end

Pre-Walk Fun and two honorary team members

 From the fullness of His grace we have all received 
one blessing after another.

~John 1:16

Happy! Happy! Happy!

Finally, biopsy results. We woke up Friday to a downpour of rain - which made for a stressful drive to Tulsa. I had the song by Building 429 "We Won't Be Shaken" going through my head, so that's what I posted as my Facebook status. While driving, we commented on how the words fit the weather - through fire or pouring rain...

My oncologist wasn't sure what all my surgeon had done, so there was a little bit of confusion. Hellooooo, why am I here? Anyway, after he tracked down the pathology report, he came back in the room and said it's all good! HALLELUJAH!!! He wasn't worried about anything and even moved my 3 month checks to every 4 months. Of course, if I notice any changes, I need to see him right away. Otherwise I'll have another CT scan (of my chest, abdomen, AND neck) in 4 months!!!

Because we've been so emotionally drained, we've actually had more Happy Tears than Happy Dances. We celebrated with some friends for dinner and then watched God's Not Dead. So good! Our family definitely wants to proclaim that GOD'S NOT DEAD!!! God is good all the time! All the time, God is good! And my tears let loose at church today during every song we sang. I have so much more to be thankful for than a clear biopsy report!

In some ways I'm happy to never think of cancer again... at least not for the next 4 months (well, except for my scheduled port flushes). However, I realize cancer is now part of my story, part of my purpose, and something that keeps me sweetly dependent on God. 

Jessika shared with me parts of a devotion she read the night before getting my biopsy results. 

You get closest to Jesus in the tough times, 

not the good times.

Don't panic when the waves come; 

just see them as something 

you've got to ride on and go through 

in order to find the good part of life.

I love that she shared with me... and I love how she read just the right devotion at just the right time.

More Waiting...

Last Friday I had the CT scan done of my neck. Thankfully it was normal...especially after realizing my last scan did not include my neck...and I've also had pain on the left side of my neck for several months but figured it was fine since my last CT scan showed no suspicious findings. When I found out my neck hadn't been scanned earlier, I started freaking out that I had a big alien tumor growing in my neck causing the pain. Talk about relief to hear the scan was pretty much normal and that mild cervical spondylosis - a fancy term for arthritis - explains the pain!!!

The lymph node that I can feel measures 1 cm - which is the high end of normal and the low end of enlarged. My surgeon decided to do a needle biopsy... even though it's right next to my carotid artery and proved to be a little tricky. 

 

Dr. Bruns totally rocks, and I watched the whole thing on the ultra sound monitor!

I felt like I had been karate chopped in the neck and was very glad for the weekend. Then we began our wait... for a week... 7 days... 168 hours... Plus we've waited over 2 weeks since my original appointment and over a month since I noticed the lymph node. No stress - HA!

I had been doing pretty well with being patient and easy-going about the wait, but yesterday showed that deep down I may be a bit anxious. Actually, it's been a hard week for all of us, and we all show it in different ways - meltdowns, tears, not sleeping, being irritable, etc. Sometimes the littlest thing will hit like a brick wall, and you can't keep going without a time out and a deep breath.

God is faithful and has used our family and friends to encourage us with Scripture, kind words, thoughtful gifts, and prayer. And just watching the news each day shows us how blessed we are, even if we are a little stressed. So we wait one more day... and trust God... and build more character!

Isn't it neat how a passage of Scripture you've read over and over is suddenly just the right verse at just the right time? That happened at Bible study this week with 2 Timothy 4:17. It's a great reminder that God is with us and giving us strength. He is using us to glorify Him through our journey and will ultimately rescue us! God is good!!!

But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth.

~ 2 Timothy 4:17

THAT Tree

I want to be THAT tree... the tree described in Jeremiah 17:8.

I've used Jeremiah 17:7 as my mantra during PET scans and other freak out moments on my cancer journey.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

whose confidence is in Him.

It was just recently that I paid attention to verse 8.

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.

I want to be THAT tree...

...planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream - the stream of living water. I need to be in God's Word, studying, memorizing, applying it to my life. I need to be growing in my relationship with the One who blesses me!

I want to be THAT tree...

...that does not fear when heat comes - when I find a lymph node, while I wait for a CT scan and biopsy, and especially while I wait for results.

I want to be THAT tree...

...with leaves that are always green - peace in the storm and strength in the trial.

I want to be THAT tree...

...with no worries - Besides, who by worrying can add a single hour to his life (Matthew 6:27)?

I want to be THAT tree...

always bearing fruit - showing evidence of God working in me. 


...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 1:6 


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A Great Book

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I signed up to do a book review! I received the book with the understanding that I need to post a review on my blog and on another site - like Goodreads, Amazon, etc. So, here goes...

Holley Gerth is a new name to me, which is ironic because she's from my neck of the woods, and we have some common friends. Her blog is crazy encouraging, so I was excited to receive her newest book. I was even more excited to see it was based on the Psalms. If you've followed my journey here on my blog or on Facebook, you know I love the Psalms. This is the perfect book for me!

Holley has taken the whole book of Psalms and pulled out 52 encouraging truths. It is ideally set up to study one truth a week: read the devotion, focus on the couple of verses highlighted, and then use the space at the end of each truth to write what my heart is saying to God and what my heart is hearing from God. Each devotion is also short enough to be used daily. I'm ready to go through the book without a time limit (for this review) and savor each truth weekly while MEMORIZING the verses. 

Plus it's the cutest gift-sized book - easy to carry in my purse and pretty sitting out on my desk. Now I want a polka dot coffee cup to match!

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord;

Praise the Lord.

 Psalm 150:6